


No Reckoning Made

by gryffindorJ



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Consent Issues, First Kiss, First Time, First War with Voldemort, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:41:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3556403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gryffindorJ/pseuds/gryffindorJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to remain friends but also wanting more while in the middle of a war is far more difficult than Remus ever imagined. Sirius certainly isn't making it easier on him either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Reckoning Made

"That's a stupid idea if I've ever heard one." 

Remus did his best to keep his expression neutral. It was important not to react until he fully understood Sirius's position. If he jumped into an argument without being fully prepared, Sirius would attack from an unexpected angle. Sirius's anger and belief in what he thought was a lot like the hydra. 

"I'd imagine you've heard loads of stupid ideas, haven't you? You listen to yourself all the time." 

Remus turned his head to hide his smirk, not that he needed to as Sirius's attention snapped to James. 

"If you think it's a good idea then you're the stupidest of the lot," Sirius replied, sounding calm enough, though Remus could hear the dangerous edge in his tone. 

"Never said I thought it was, but since it's come up, yeah I think it's brilliant. Well done, Moony," James said raising his bottle in salute to Remus before taking a swig. 

"Dumbledore is mental," Sirius announced loudly, "and you two have joined him." 

James rolled his eyes and flopped against the back of the sofa. Remus should've taken a hint from James and not reacted to Sirius. They all knew how to deal with each other but Sirius and James were much better at dealing with one another. It usually involved a lot of shouting, the occasional bit of duelling and the couple rare times when punches were thrown, but they would make each other listen when no one else could. 

But Remus's pride had been stung. In the five months since they had left school and joined the Order, Remus had been completely useless. He understood, at least he tried to. James had been Head Boy and always vocal against the dark arts so it made sense that he was trusted with missions quite quickly. Sirius, too. His penchant for rule breaking and finding a clever angle had served him well and made him a star on Order missions. Remus was used to being in their very large shadows. In that last few months though Peter had begun to emerge as another trusted member of the group. He had proved skilled at garnering information that no one else could. Being a rat truly did serve him well; not that anyone besides the four of them knew the secret to his success. 

Remus had begun to feel left behind. He was used to being different. He had lived a life of being different, but that didn't make it any easier to swallow. He didn't know if it was because Dumbledore didn't think him as clever, not capable, or that he simply wasn't to be trusted because he was a lycanthrope. Dumbledore was not a bigot and Remus knew this. The man had done more for him than anyone else ever had, after all. In the shadows of his mind, particularly before transformation, Remus would wonder if once again being a werewolf was barring his way. 

Now, finally, Remus had a mission. Remus had been given something important. His chance to prove himself; and Sirius was sneering at the very idea. 

"Why do you think it's stupid?" Remus asked quietly. 

Sirius snorted and replied, "You're a werewolf for one. Not very convenient if it's a full moon and you're needed?" 

"It's an asset. The wizarding world has cast me aside, the Muggles will never believe I exist, or worse, am a monster. It gives me a reason to be bitter." 

"And," James chimed in, "you've been alone with a werewolf enough times to know they are far from helpless." 

Sirius's jaw twitched but he didn't look at James. He slid to the edge of his seat closer to Remus. "You've no idea what these people are like. They'll pretend like they believe you then slit your throat the first chance they get." 

"And you're the expert?" Remus asked, raising his brows. 

"Yeah. I'm the expert." 

Remus nodded slowly, pretending to ponder this, but he was waiting to deliver the true blow and what he was sure was the crux of the issue. "Since you're the expert," Remus said slowly as he Summoned another beer from the far end of the table, "it must really hurt your ego that Dumbledore asked me and not you." 

"What?" Sirius asked quietly.

"You're jealous. First time in your life someone else got something you wanted. The perfect pureblood, you're poised for this assignment. Only, Dumbledore doesn't want you, he wants me." 

"I'm not jealous," Sirius blustered. "Prongs," he barked turning to James for support, "tell Remus I'm not jealous." 

James sunk even lower into the sofa, "I'm not really a part of this fight. It's between you two, isn't it?" 

"You're a real mate," Sirius said standing from the sofa. "You too, Moony. I hope you enjoy your very special mission. Don't Floo me when you end up dead. I'm not identifying any bodies and I'm certainly not going to any funerals." 

"You're really being a wanker," James said. 

"I thought you weren't in this fight," Sirius snapped. 

James stood to reply but Remus beat him to it and got up first. "Don't argue with him, Prongs. Sirius is the only one in the world who is right about everything all the time. I'll probably end up dead, he's right. I'm still accepting the mission though." 

"Well fucking congratulations. I'm going. James, find someone else's flat to take your girlfriend to next time you don’t want to fuck under Mum and Dad's roof. And Remus –" 

The Floo burst to life and suddenly Peter came stumbling out of it, arms laden down with take-away curry. "I'm so sorry. The line was long and they didn't have the...what's going on here?" Peter said, pausing with his eyes darting to every person in the room. 

"I was just leaving." Sirius grabbed his jacket from the coat rack

"It's your flat," Peter said, but Sirius glared and turned on the spot, Disapparating. 

 

Remus felt the air go out of him at Sirius's departure and he flopped back down in the chair, dropping his head in his hands. 

"What's wrong with him?" Peter said as he unloaded the food onto the table. 

"He's a wanker," James said offhandedly and reached for the nearest carton. 

"Dumbledore gave me a mission. I'm supposed to infiltrate a small group of potential Death Eaters," Remus said through his hands. 

"Nice job. I reckon you'll be great at that," Peter said, taking Sirius's abandoned seat. 

Remus looked up and gave Peter a thin smile, "Thanks, Wormtail. I appreciate that." 

"Hey, did you get any of the –" James said, looking around the table, his curry balanced on his knees. 

"Right here," Peter replied, handing James a greasy bag. 

"Thanks," James said, licking his fingers and grabbing the proffered bag. 

Remus scooted to the edge of his chair and looked for his dinner. He noticed James was more interested in his food than usual. "Prongs?" Remus said. 

James looked up, glasses slightly misted from the steam of his food. "Huh?" he said around a mouthful of butter chicken. 

"What'd you think is wrong with Sirius?" 

James shrugged swallowed hard and said, "No idea." Before Remus could push the point, James started talking about the new front three for the Arrows.

.......

"I thought you played for the other team."

Remus whipped around and pressed the tip of his wand right under Sirius's chin. "Wouldn't it be a nasty surprise if I did?" He felt Sirius's wand tip press into his ribs but he didn't dare pull away. It was fight of wills and he wasn't in the mood to let Sirius win, as usual. 

Sirius leaned in closer, biting his lower lip the way he did when he was thinking. "Fancy a duel?" He raised his right brow in the arrogant way only he could manage. When Remus raised one brow his face wrinkled in an embarrassingly prune-like manor. 

"Releasing some tension sounds nice but we've a job to do." Remus pulled his wand away and hated himself for giving in. Sirius chuckled. Bastard.

"I know another way you can release some tension." He grinned, his teeth flashing white in the moonless night. 

"Maybe later." Remus turned and headed down the lane, Sirius falling in step beside him. Neither of them put their wands away as their footsteps crunched across the gravel. The mission wasn't dangerous but nothing was ever safe either. 

"Didn't hear me Apparate, did you?" Sirius asked as they came to a T in the road. Remus held his wand in the palm of his hand and silently urged it to point him. 

"Left," Remus said indicating the direction with his chin. "No. I smelled you. Been working on your motorcycle?" 

"No. I've never been able to get the motor-oil smell out of these jeans."

"You always smell like motor-oil and Hogwarts soap. Did you nick a life time supply before we left?" 

"Can't give away all my secrets, Moony." Remus could hear the smile in his voice and wanted to punch him in the shoulder for it. He was still naffed about the last time he'd seen Sirius. He wanted Sirius to apologize but knew he never would. Remus would have better luck asking for an apology from the dresser he stubbed his toe on the other day. 

The lane came to a stop right at a rail fence. "That's it," Sirius said, pointing to the distant light all the way across a pasture. 

"Why didn't we Apparate into the yard?" Remus grumbled. 

"Because it's a lovely night for a walk," Sirius said and vaulted himself effortlessly over the fence, cloak flying behind him like a Muggle superhero. Remus laughed despite himself. 

"It's pitch black, in February, and we're in Aberdeen. It could be a touch warmer." 

"I always feel warm with you, darling. Coming?" Sirius put his hand out in invitation to help Remus over the fence. 

Remus pushed it away with a scoff and was grateful the night was so dark as he felt his face heat. Sirius flirting with him always made his cheeks flush. Sometimes, most time, he thought Sirius did it if only to get a reaction out of Remus. 

He climbed up the first two rails before swinging his legs over and jumping. He landed right in front of Sirius, managing not to knock into him. Sirius looked down at him and his lips crept up in an appreciative half smile. Remus returned the look. It felt for a moment they paused only looking at each other, their breath pearling together in the crisp night air. 

"Started your mission yet?" Sirius said suddenly, turning away. 

Remus stepped quickly to catch up as they started across the field. "I don't believe I'm allowed to tell you that." 

Sirius snorted. "But you're allowed to tell us you have a mission?" 

"Details can be dangerous," Remus replied. 

"You know what I think?" Sirius said and Remus rolled his eyes. No, he didn't know what Sirius thought, but he was sure Sirius would relish telling him. "I think you took the mission because you want to be important. You think you're nothing and no one and so you jumped at the first opportunity without thinking it through. Right?" 

Remus had to struggle to keep his breath normal and his step in line with Sirius's; he felt like Sirius had delivered a blow in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to deny it outright but if he knew Sirius well then the same could be said the other way around. It was a tricky job denying anything to your best friend but Sirius's words were harsh and unfair. Remus had to defend himself someway. "I did think about it," he finally settled on saying. 

"What? For a whole thirty seconds? You think you're not impulsive, but I know where you sorted." 

"So I'm a mindless idiot because of my House?" 

"No. You're a mindless idiot and that's why you got put in that House." 

"I'm supposed to be better than that then? I'm not allowed to take a mission that might be a little dangerous because I need to use my head? What about you? You're the only one allowed to do something dangerous. The rest of us need to fight in this war by sitting around and talking about it."

"I," Sirius said sounding like an imperious arse, "had already considered the potential for becoming a spy and what that involved. I was prepared had I been asked." 

"It was unexpected so I had to say 'no'?" 

"Yes." 

"God, you're a real prick sometimes," Remus said and quickened his pace not wanting to be next to Sirius just now. But damn the bloody bastard and his long legs he easily caught up. 

"You're a prick too you know? You're not affable and perfect like everyone thinks," Sirius said. 

"Thank you, I will remember that next time my head gets too big." 

"What is that supposed to mean? I have a big head?" Sirius demanded, now sounding truly angry. 

Remus smiled in a satisfied way. It wasn't difficult to rile Sirius up, he easily took offence at any comment made whether intended or not. "That isn't what I said at all," Remus replied innocently but was sure to look at Sirius when he said it. Sirius would be able to tell by the look on his face what he truly meant. 

"See? You play this game where, oh Remus, he's so loverly. Remus, what a stand-up bloke. You're an arse kisser at best and a fucking knob at worst." 

"I am not an arse kisser." 

"I reckon that's how you got this assignment. Told Dumbledore to bend over you'd swirl your tongue round his wrinkly old arse." 

"He asked me because he knew I could do the job!" As soon as the words left Remus's lips he regretted them. Well, not so much the words but the fact he had shouted first. Sirius chortled in a satisfied way that had they not been so close to the house Remus would have punched him. 

Sirius trotted ahead and turned around, skipping backwards and making loud kissing noises at Remus. He turned and bounded up the stairs to the backdoor. 

Remus began to jog, not to get to the door before Sirius knocked, but to kill him before the people answered. Sirius was dead. Remus didn't know which curse he was going to use but it would be the most painful one he could think of. The Killing Curse was over far too quickly. 

Remus reached the bottom step and Sirius knocked on the door in a remarkably quiet way. Sparks shot out of the end of Remus's wands which made Sirius's raise his brows at him. The door opened and a wizard, not much older than them, stood there in his dressing gown. 

"Grey?" Sirius asked and the man nodded. "I'm Sirius and this is my associate Remus. May we come in?" Remus, more than ever, wanted to kill Sirius. How dare he knock on the door and become...become...this nice person seconds after their row? 

"I'm not sure..." The man replied, pulling out his wand and looked to close the door.

Sirius stuck his boot against the edge of the door, but kept his smile and tone polite. "Grey. We've come to take you and your family to safety. Let us in, sir. You don't want your next visitors finding you at home." 

The man looked as if he were going to be sick and swung open the door quickly, ushering Remus and Sirius in.

.......

With every step Remus's arm throbbed. Not in one place, like he would have assumed, but all over. Like an electrical shock in the middle of his bones with every step. He reached the top step and had to lean against the banister, feeling dizzy and sick. He had been sick twice already. Once when it happened and when he jarred it taking the steps up from the Underground. He bit his tongue hard, trying to focus. He could see his door from here.

Feeling shaky and sweaty, he made himself take a step and stumbled the few feet to his door. He leaned his head against it, trying to stave off the wave of dizziness that threatened to engulf him. 

He tried to turn the knob with his left hand but the damn thing always jammed and he couldn't twist it properly to get it open. He looked at his right arm, which he cradled useless against his stomach. There was no way he could use it. Or maybe if he did a quick spell, but how the hell was he supposed to flick his wand with his left hand? He couldn't even fucking Apparate. 

He'd have to go back downstairs and get the landlady, but good Merlin not yet. He looked back at the stairs and needed a few minutes to get used to the fact he was going to have to go back down the stairs and up again. 

Remus was contemplating whether the act might kill him when the door to his flat swung open. "Jesus Christ, there you are." Sirius grabbed his upper arm – the left one, gratefully – and pulled Remus inside. "Where have you been? No one's heard from you for three days? James has been mad to find you. I came here looking for you because no one would – what's wrong with you?" 

"I think I'm going to be sick," Remus said reaching out for the closest thing to steady him, which, as it turned out, was a nice solid chair. 

"Well, don't do it in here," Sirius said. 

"Be quiet," Remus snapped as the room spun and his mouth watered. He gritted his teeth, he'd been much worse than this. He took a deep breath and finally looked up, ignoring the pitch of the floor beneath his feet. 

"My God, Moony, what happened?" This time when Sirius stepped to him he put his hands gently on Remus's shoulder. 

"Broke my arm." Remus gestured at the useless appendage

"How'd you do that? May I?" Sirius said, reaching for the arm. 

Remus nodded and said, "On a mission." 

Sirius reached to pull back the sleeve and Remus turned away. "God, please don't do that." 

"Well, I have to look at it, don't I?" Sirius said, not with the rude tone he had adopted of late with Remus. He took out his wand and said, "I'll cut the sleeve." 

"Don't. I can't repair this jumper again." 

"I'll buy you ten new ones," Sirius murmured as the sleeve of Remus's jumper split and fell away, exposing his badly damaged arm. Sirius let out a soft whistle and Remus had to look away. A thumb and wrist were not supposed to be bent at those angles. 

"Looks like it's broken in a couple spots. Think you can make it to Saint Mungo's? Floo?" 

"No," Remus said firmly. 

"My bike is out back we can try –" 

"No. I am not going to Saint Mungo's." 

"Don't be stupid. Your arm is broken in a couple spots. You have to go get help." 

"I can't. I'll need to fill out some paper work and I can't say anything or let anyone know." 

Their eyes met and Sirius studied Remus's and said, "A mission, yeah? Exactly what happened?" 

Remus couldn't tell Sirius that he'd thought it would be a good idea to take a step out a two storey window. The Imperius Curse wasn't as easy to fight as he had assumed, even when you're prepared for it. He didn't want Sirius's judgement at the moment and Remus had already said too much. Remus looked hard into Sirius's eyes and silently pleaded. 

"All right. I'll try." Sirius pulled Remus's head to him and held him close. "Tell someone where you're going next time." 

"Dumbledore knew," Remus said, muffled against Sirius's jacket. The leather was soft and warm, it was perfectly Sirius and it threatened to make Remus cry. Relief washed over him and he took a slow shuddering breath. 

Sirius pressed his lips to Remus's forehead and whispered against his skin. "It's all right, Moony. We'll fix it. You're OK." 

Tears prickled the corner of Remus's eyes. It had been a long time since Sirius had touched him like this.

.......

Leaning on the edge of the bar, Remus gently prodded his left arm. He felt the long joint of his thumb, up to the knobbly round bones of his wrist, and up one of the long straight bones to the crook of his elbow. It felt exactly as it always had. Sirius had done a good job. He was sweaty and pale by the end, but his healing charms were good as ever. He had kept telling Remus that this wasn't some Quidditch accident, it was really bad.

Afterwards Remus had ended up holding him on the couch. Nothing had been said but they sat there for what felt like ages, but never long enough, Sirius's hands twisted in Remus's jumper and head pressed to his shoulder. 

The arm had hurt as bad or worse than anything Remus had experienced, but that price had paid for a lot more than he thought it would. 

Sitting on the couch, looking at the empty, cold grate of his fireplace, it had finally occurred to him that Sirius was scared. They had experienced a lot of dangerous situations but always together. This was Remus in danger, on his own, and Sirius did not like that at all. Remus had felt his frustration with Sirius loosen and melt away. He had forgiven Sirius for a lot more than being a bloody bastard and he could forgive Sirius for this. Even if he didn't think Sirius believed he could do it. 

There was also this, he was here now. 

Moving into the circles most interested in Voldemort's cause wasn't an easy job, not that Remus had expected it to be. You couldn't show up at the most recent Death Eater meeting and ask where you sign up, then enter the queue for your mask and robes. Remus had started slowly making contact with another wizard he knew from Wales. He was a small time criminal that had operated out of the local in Remus's village. Had a sports book and got hauled in by the MLE on occasion for selling stolen items. He was sympathetic to Voldemort's cause, or at least any cause where he wasn't arrested as much. 

Through him, Remus had met a group of young wizards, some he knew from school (sadly or better yet the ones Remus knew he had always considered idiots). They, for various reasons, had entered into the service of the Dark Lord. They weren't in the inner circle but a loose collection of wizards that could be called upon when more people were needed. 

Remus had gone out to pubs with them a few times. Had a piss up or two, but it had felt social, easier than expected. Then the broken arm came. 

He had been contacted one afternoon by a bloke saying they were all getting together in a room above a pub. It had been surreal sitting around the room for two days drinking and passing out by turns with this collection of people. Remus didn't think it was safe to drink so much but he thought it was less safe not to. 

On the second day a man had showed up. Remus didn’t know who he was but clearly he was important given the way the others treated him. 

He had started asking Remus questions. Where he was from? What was his magical education? Why was he there? Remus stuck to the truth as much as possible, as he had been told, and when presented with a question that demanded he lie, gave an indirect answer. A few minutes into the conversation was when the "fun" had started, and the man put him under the Imperius Curse, which had resulted in Remus going out the window. 

When the pain from his broken arm had receded he had thought that was the end of it. His Death-Eater-Want-To-Be days were through. Then he had received an owl some weeks later asking him to be at this pub on this date and time. 

He sat quietly drinking his pint waiting for the thing, whatever it was, to happen. He covertly looked at whoever walked into the pub but nothing had stuck out yet. 

He felt, more than saw, someone come out of the back room, where clearly they had Apparated. Remus looked in the mirror behind the bar and saw the reflections of the man that had made him go out the window and another who was a pure blood wizard if Remus had ever seen one. He carried himself the way Sirius did, they way Lucius Malfoy had when Remus saw him at school. Pure blood did not make you a Death Eater, obviously, but something about the way he looked around the pub made Remus certain he was one. And not some low-level minion, but part of a much more elite group. 

They ordered a bottle of whisky at the bar and then took a table in the furthest corner they could find. 

Palms sweating, Remus wrapped his hand around his half-gone pint and stood to go join them, feeling the warm glow of smug satisfaction that he was doing his job well.

.......

Remus didn't want to do this but there was nothing for it. James stayed with his dad ever since his mum had passed, Peter would live at home forever, and he no longer felt safe in his own flat. They knew where he lived. Right now he didn't want to be dragged out to the pub, or over to someone's house to get drunk. He wanted an icepack and maybe a single glass of Ogden's and if he were lucky Sirius still wasn't at home.

He knew where Sirius was. The fight hadn't ended yet when Remus had Disapparated, and Sirius always liked to remain till the very bloody end; then leave before the Ministry knobs showed up. 

The flat was completely dark when Remus Apparated onto the terrace and sighed with relief. He unlocked the door, grateful Sirius still liked him enough not to bar him from showing up unannounced, and quietly stepped inside. He shut the door behind him, bolting it, feeling relieved and envious. 

Remus's flat, bed-sit really, was cramped and draughty. Sirius's was always warm and comforting, and you didn't feel like you were going to get mugged anytime you walked out the front door. Sirius, to his credit, had shown restraint when buying a place. He didn't go for the most his gold could buy but the first time Remus saw it in their seventh year he knew he would never in his life have a place like this. He was reminded Sirius was a have and he was a have-not. 

But, God, Sirius had a way about him that made you feel welcome anyway. Quickly his place had become the hub for everything. There had been Order meetings held there, not many as they had to move locations, but more importantly it was where the four of them congregated. The place never felt like just Sirius's, it was all of theirs. Even over in the corner by the front door Remus could see James's broom leaning against the coat rack. 

Sadness crept into Remus's lungs and his breath stuck. It had been months since he had last been here. Trying to play on the other side had created a wedge that he liked to pretend didn't exist, but standing here now he couldn't deny it very well did. 

He took a steadying breath, making himself stop thinking for a moment. He was here now and he was going to enjoy it. 

He made a beeline for the kitchen, finding himself suddenly ravenous. He pulled open a cupboard and found several boxes of biscuits. He silently thanked Sirius for still employing the witch to clean his flat and do the shopping as he grabbed a box of unopened ginger nuts. These would go perfectly with a cup of tea and a healthy dash of whisky. Remus started rummaging around the cupboards looking for the bags or maybe he should pull out the loose leaf and make an entire pot. 

The front door opened and Remus paused, feeling caught. The door slammed and the reverberation seemed to shake his bones. 

"I know you're here," Sirius called. Remus could hear his booted footfalls across the floor coming towards the kitchen. Remus shut the cabinet and stood up straight, facing the entrance. He could deal with Sirius, it would be OK. 

Sirius rounded the corner and Remus's worst fears were confirmed. Sirius had clearly just been in a fight, the fight. He didn't wear robes, like Remus, even his clothes were in direct opposition to the other side. He wore jeans and a t-shirt, exactly as a Muggle would. He was quite dirty, as if he had rolled in the street a couple of times. His t-shirt even had a few burn marks through it as if he had stood too close to a fire and sparks had hit him. They had to be spell marks though. He had a cut across his left bicep, which was bleeding freely, and from here Remus could see the palms of his hands were red and raw. He wondered what other injuries Sirius had sustained. 

"I'm here," Remus said, feeling his spine stiffen. 

"Been having fun?" Sirius asked, eyeing Remus. Remus knew he had taken a blow to the face, sure the bruise had blossomed spectacularly, and like Sirius his palms were raw. His clothes were just as dirty as Sirius's, but the black robes were distinctly wizard. 

"Is everyone all right?" Remus replied. 

"Grand," Sirius said stepping into the kitchen. "Obliviators are cleaning up the mess. Only a couple of Muggles dead, but what does that matter to you?" 

Remus's throat felt tight and his words felt squeezed out. "That matters to me." 

"That why you helped?" 

"I didn't know that's what was going to happen," Remus said, his voice shaking. The whole thing had made him sick. He was told to meet a group at a certain time and place. The next thing he knew there were dozens of them, in masks. There were giants and Inferi, everyone converging on one village. 

"I see," Sirius replied nastily. "Still joined in though." 

"No, I didn't." 

Sirius scoffed and turned, stomping out to the lounge. "I didn't," Remus said, chasing after him. "Listen to me I –" Remus grabbed Sirius's arm to turn him around. 

"Don't touch me!" Sirius violently pulled away, almost hitting Remus across the face. 

"How could I possibly know what was going to happen?" 

"Because you are one of them!"

"I'm not. Didn't you understand the mission? Don't you know what I'm doing? Or are you too thick to understand what a spy does?" 

"A spy? Is that what you're calling yourself now?" 

"You know a better word?" 

"Traitor, turncoat, snitch, hypocrite. Take your pick, they all work." 

Sirius's mind moved so quickly latching on to the smallest thread and running away with it that Remus had often felt confused at where his thought process had brought him. Remus blinked at him and stared hard into Sirius's eyes as if he could see into his mind to get even half a clue. "I don't even know why you would think that." 

"Because of this." Sirius reached into Remus's inner pocket and pulled out the stark white mask that Remus, in hind-sight, should have Vanished first chance he got. "You make this yourself? Death Eater arts and crafts?" 

"No, we buy them at wholesale to keep costs down," Remus said, biting back. 

"You think you're so fucking funny," Sirius said, and holding the mask through the eye holes. 

"No, I think you're so fucking mad. What's wrong with you?" 

"I saw you." Sirius held the mask out in front of him and looked down as if speaking to it, not to Remus. "You can wear this all you want, I know when it's you." 

"You know I was there. You're a fine, clever lad. But I left. As soon as I knew what was happening I left in the confusion. An Inferius doesn't know the difference between us and them and attacked me as I turned to go before I could burn it. Then I came here, as soon as I could." 

Sirius looked up from the mask at Remus with a look as cold as death. "I didn't mean tonight." 

Remus wrinkled his brow in confusion. Here he was, lost again in Sirius's mind. "I don't know –" 

"A week ago. With a group of them. I saw you." 

"You saw me?" Remus asked in order to stall for how he could tell Sirius what had happened. He didn't have to ask Sirius what he was talking about, it could only be one thing. "You followed me?" 

"I was on a mission for the Order and found you. Serendipity." 

"You didn't – I wasn't –" It was harder to find the words than Remus thought. After so many boring nights at pubs, so much grovelling, and contacts, he had finally reached an actual in. It would be the end of minor information. It was the end of only small details. It wasn't going to be about plans for Muggle torture anymore. He was making a step toward knowing actual plans to infiltrate the Ministry, undermine the government. Stopping death and destruction was good, but getting to the root was better. 

"At least you aren't denying it." 

"Of course I wouldn't!" Remus yelled, throwing his hands up. "What the hell am I going through all of this for if you're there, too? Are you the only one? Who else?" He paced the small space of the hearth rug, gripping his hair in frustration.

"I was following someone and he led me there," Sirius explained. "Where you then passed information to him." 

"I gave him nothing," Remus said as he came to stop. 

"That isn't how it works. I'm not stupid. There's the price of admission at their door." Sirius was leaning toward Remus, using his height to seize advantage and intimidate him. The mask was held so tightly in his hand that his knuckles were as white as it was. 

"I only told him what Dumbledore said I should. I don't know why –" 

"Someone is passing information. Someone who is perfectly placed. It can only be you." 

"It's not me!" 

"You know anyone else who sits at an Order meeting and then runs to the arms of the other side?" 

"I don't pretend to know everything Dumbledore does and neither should you. It is not me. And I don't understand why you would ever think...you are my friend! You know me –" 

"That's right, I know you. You are a very good liar, Remus." Sirius stood closer leaning into Remus so that their noses almost touched, saliva flying from his lips hitting Remus in the face. "There is a reason Dumbledore picked you. Lived your whole life in a shadow, hiding from everyone else. But I know you. I know every secret you have. You can't lie to me." 

"I'm not lying!" Remus shouted so loudly Sirius responded as if Remus had hit him and reared back in shock. They stared hard into each other's eyes. Remus took the back of his hand and wiped the spit away and curled his lips. 

"You are. I saw you." Sirius's voice shook with fury he could hardly control and Remus knew he wouldn't for long. "With that scum. On your knees, kissing his robes. It made me sick!" Sirius yelled and began stalking in front of Remus as he continued on. "Sicker than I've ever been in my life. If it had been Voldemort I would've killed you on the spot. I saw you with his scum! That fucking bastard! He didn't need to wear a mask. I know exactly who he is. How many times have I sat across him at a table wishing I could take my wand out –" Sirius broke the mask in his hands and threw it into the fire. 

"Is that what you want? Is that why you've lost it? You're jealous of him? You want me on my knees?" 

"You don't understand –" 

"Don't tell me what I don't understand! You are my – my friend. You're –" Remus dropped to his knees banging them hard against the wood floor but the sharp pain in his joints was nothing to the invisible hand wrenching his guts. "Here I am! I'm on my knees for you. Happy? I know you! I trust you! Why don't you trust me? Is this what I need to do? Kiss your robes? Bow at your feet?" Remus chest shook and he could feel the hot, angry tears coming to his eyes. He didn't want them to fall. His chin quivered as he tried to keep them back, swallow them down. Sirius had been his best friend, an anchor in his world for so long it cut him to the quick what Sirius was saying. 

Sirius leaned forward and pulled Remus's left arm forward and pushed back the sleeve. The inside of his forearm was pale and smooth. Not a mark on it. "Thank Merlin for that," Sirius said, shoving Remus's arm back at him. He straightened and stomped to the door. "Stay as long as you want." He opened the door and didn't slam it as Remus might have expected. 

Remus heard him go. Heard every angry footstep down the stairs. Heard the front door bang shut. Heard and felt the rumble of Sirius's motorcycle as he started it. Felt it shake every rib as it pulled away and left Remus broken on the floor.

.......

At first Remus had been annoyed and upset at being abandoned on the full moon by Peter and James. He understood, Peter was doing something for the Order and James had to help his dad, but Remus didn't want to spend the night alone with Sirius – even though after moon-rise he wouldn't know it was Sirius with him. But now, with the moon down and the sun coming up, Remus was grateful it was Sirius who was practically carrying him up the stairs.

James could be capable of this as well, and Peter was a wizard, but Sirius – tall, strong, solid, and warm – provided a comfort to Remus's aching body. 

"Lean into me, Moony, while we take this turn," Sirius said, gripping Remus's waist tighter as they rounded the corner of the stairs. 

It was the first civil thing Sirius had said to him in ages. Sirius had been polite to Remus but the courtesy had been icy cold. Sirius, with all his breeding, could cut you with reserve and flawless manners. Or maybe Remus only knew this because he knew Sirius so well. Sirius burned bright and hot. He could be wild, unpredictable, hot-tempered and he loved and cared just the same. Unabashed and affectionate. 

James had noticed a difference in Sirius, Remus had heard them hissing at each other more than once, his name in their whispered words. Remus could tell after these arguments that Sirius would try, but unexpectedly his wall would come back up and Remus was once again sent to the Arctic. 

They climbed the last set of stairs and came to a stop outside Remus's door. "Hold tight, Moony." Sirius pulled out his wand and tapped the handle. 

Sirius pushed open the door and Remus stumbled to the couch, his vision going progressively dark on the way. 

Seconds later, or minutes, or hours – Remus couldn't keep track of time well at the moment – he woke up to Sirius crouching before him brushing his fringe away from his forehead. "Moony, hey Moony," he said quietly. "Let's not stay here. Let's go to your bed." 

Remus groaned and closed his eyes. "No. My...everything aches, leave me here." 

Sirius kissed Remus's forehead, his lips warm and wet against his skin. "Come on," Sirius said, running his fingers through Remus's hair and kissing him again. 

Sirius slid his arm under Remus's shoulder and pulled him from the couch. Remus, his body too tired to balance well, stumbled into Sirius. Sirius was solid and caught him easily. The room swam around Remus and it didn't help Sirius's face was right in front of his. Holding Remus firmly in place Sirius leaned in and kissed Remus again. Not on the forehead like before but on his lips. 

Remus wasn't even fully aware that had happened. Sirius had pulled away and was saying again, "Come on, Moony. Let's go to the bed." 

"Don't want to," Remus said closing his eyes against the pain, the dizziness, the confusion. "Leave me on the couch. You can go." 

Sirius kissed him again and Remus could not even be bothered to wonder if the kiss was good or not. He didn't want to be kissed right now. He didn't want this. "Please, Moony. I can make you feel better." Sirius lead Remus to the bedroom as easily as he had helped him up the stairs. 

Remus's brain was too slow, his body too weak to object as he knew he wanted to. "I don't –" Remus mumbled feeling like he might be sick. He closed his eyes and sagged against Sirius, he really didn't want to be sick right now. 

The bedroom wasn't far in this pathetic flat. Remus's legs hit his lumpy bed and he crumpled onto it. He wanted to go back to sleep but Sirius was at his feet undoing his laces. "Let's get you comfortable," Sirius said, pulling off one trainer and then the other. He ran his hands up Remus's trouser legs and dug his fingers into Remus's calf muscles. 

"Oh god," Remus said with a satisfied groan. He threw his arm over his eyes and let his body melt into the comforting touch. 

"Let me help you," Sirius said, rubbing Remus's legs firmly. "I can help." 

The touch was gone and a dark shadow crossed in front of Remus. He moved his arm away to see Sirius over him. His dark hair framing his perfect face. Well cut features and his eyes wide and bright. "I'll help you," Sirius whispered and his hands were on Remus's belt. 

How many times had Remus let Sirius undress him? More than a dozen, surely. It had never been sexual as Remus had hoped so many times. He had been in pain or pissed and Sirius had been there. Getting him to bed. Remus had done the same for him. It felt different now. Sirius almost asking before he did. 

Sirius slid Remus's trousers over his hips, digging his hands into the muscles and down the sides of his legs. Remus gasped in pain at the touch. His legs always ached so much there every time. He imagined himself as a wolf, running and running all night, every morning after the moon set he felt as if he'd run hundreds of miles. 

"Moony, I'll take care of you," Sirius whispered, pushing his hands into Remus's thighs. Remus moaned again with the relief, though it was still edged with pain. He scooted further onto the bed. Sirius had been right, it was better here. 

"Th—" Remus's gratitude got lost in his mouth as Sirius's pressed his mouth to Remus's inner thigh. His entire body stilled like the prey they had surely hunted together last night. His hand felt heavy, as if it weighed a ton. He lifted it with great effort and put it on the back of Sirius's head, fingers sliding between thick strands of hair. 

"Moony," Sirius breathed against Remus's skin, flicking his tongue with the word. 

"Tired, Padfoot. My...hurts..." But Remus couldn't begin to even start to explain everything that hurt. His muscles, his bones, his head, his heart. He couldn't think straight at the moment, didn't have the capacity to give Sirius a concrete answer. His heart tugged in his chest urging him to let Sirius. To tell him everything he had held in for so long. The ache that had settled in his chest over the past months at Sirius's assumed rejection of him. How it cut deeper than anything ever possibly could because it was Sirius he wanted most in the world. His tongue felt thick and slow. Now was not the time. "I'm tired," Remus said again and feebly tried to roll away. 

"I know," Sirius said, pulling away, and for a moment Remus let out a slow relieved sigh, sinking onto his pillow. Then the bed dipped around him and he hoped Sirius was just getting in to lie next to him, that would be fine. 

Sirius was above Remus though on all fours slowly crawling till they were face to face. "I'll make you feel better. You want me to." Remus did want Sirius to, yes. So many things he wanted Sirius to. Did it have to be now? 

His hands skittered under the hem of Remus's shirt, up his ribs, each one sore, and to his shoulders, which ached as much as his legs. God, so much running all night. Sirius placed a delicate kiss on Remus's lips and said, "It'll help." His thumbs pressed into the joints, the pressure easing out of them. Remus nodded, it would help. 

Remus gave over, falling into a doze, coming to in short intervals, feeling Sirius's hands on his body. He half felt Sirius's fingertips and breath on parts of his body Sirius had never touched. 

He woke up again as Sirius tugged his shirt over his head. "Roll over, I'll rub your back," Sirius said. His face was flush and he sounded breathless. Remus did as he was told; he wanted the pain wrapped around his spine loosened. 

He pressed his cheek to the mattress and reached out for the side table drawer, fumbling to even pull it open. He Summoned the bottle of oil there, not even realizing he could do that without his wand. Sirius leaned over him, taking it from his fumbling fingers. 

The oil was warm on his back in the small puddle Sirius poured it in and he allowed himself to relax into semi-unconsciousness again. He woke up again when Sirius spoke. "I want...Remus let me..." He felt Sirius's palms hot and slick on his shoulders, the mattress bending to Sirius's rolling weight as his cock pressed to Remus's arse. Sirius hands slid down Remus's flanks to the waistband of his pants. Remus didn't stop Sirius from pulling them off. "Let me, let me..." Sirius whispered in repetition as he pulled Remus onto all fours. 

Sirius's clever, slick, left hand coasted down Remus's cleft, one finger probing further. Remus's body stiffened at the touch. Sirius continued on, pushing his fingers in further breaching Remus's entrance. Sirius opened him with two fingers and it occurred to Remus belatedly – his brain still firing with the rapidity of cold treacle – Sirius had done this before. Remus had not. 

He had wanted Sirius to, or at least he thought he did in that nebulous way of not knowing exactly what you wanted but wanting it anyway. Jealousy shot through him like he had never felt before. 

Sirius. Sirius always loved James best. And this wasn't something Sirius did with James, Remus was sure of that. Someone else then. Someone Remus didn't know or didn't realize Sirius had looked at. Remus heart ached far worse than it ever had in his life. 

"I'm going to –" Sirius breathed shallowly pulling his hand away. 

Remus's arms and legs shook with the effort of being on all fours. "I can't," he said, collapsing in the bed. 

"I can still –" Sirius kneed Remus's thighs apart and Remus felt the weight of his hips on Sirius, the blunt head of Sirius's cock touching his entrance. Remus arched his hips towards Sirius and that was the only assent Sirius needed, if he needed any at all. 

Sirius's cock was in him and it was bigger and thicker than his eyes remembered. Remus felt confused and out of place and not able to deal with either. He knew somewhere in his heart he wanted Sirius to tell him he loved him, or hell even liked him other than a friend. Wanted Sirius to kiss him with all the passion that filled his body. The roll of the Sirius's hips on him, the feel of his cock filling him tugged Remus's mind away from those wants to the wants of his body. 

Remus pressed his forehead down, letting his body make decisions for him. It was easy this soon after the full moon to give over to instinct. He rolled his hips in reply to Sirius, and Sirius responded, slamming into Remus. "Yes!" He shouted, thrusting again. 

Remus groaned and dug his teeth into the bedding. 

"You hard for me? I want you hard for me," Sirius said, laying his body on top of Remus's. Sirius was heavy, holding Remus to the bed, but Remus felt cared for by it. Protected by Sirius covering him with his body. 

Sirius's hand slid between Remus and the bed gripping Remus's half-hard cock. "Want you to come, Moony," Sirius whispered against Remus's ear, rubbing Remus's cock. 

His cock stiffened with Sirius's slick touch, and his cock balls deep in Remus's arse. 

Remus's need took over and he thrust and thrust in Sirius's hand as fast as he could. Sirius's cock pushed in him in reply and he never expected he would want it deeper and more but he did. 

His entire exhausted body seized up, coming harder and harder. Sirius groaned loud and slammed into Remus one last time. Remus felt his hot come fill him and it was the best most oddly erotic feeling he had ever had. Sirius leaving a bit of himself in Remus. 

Truly spent, Remus gasped and shook, his hands twisted in the sheets. He unclenched them and tried to move but Sirius had him firmly pinned. 

He wanted to sleep now more than before. Here, beneath Sirius's warm naked body, still filling him. He blinked slowly and Sirius finally released him into darkness. 

*  
He had intense, visceral dreams as he slept. His dreams tended to be this way before and after the full moon. He moved and acted in these dreams only with his body. No longer thinking, no longer caring. When he awoke the dreams were unclear and muddled in his mind. 

Then, like a sharp needle of clarity, he remembered the one time between him and Sirius before. It was near the end of their sixth year. They had finished a bottle of whisky and were both slightly pissed – which wasn't out of the ordinary, they had spent a lot of sixth year in that condition – but this time they were alone. They had been messing around in the dormitory, going through James's trunk looking for the bottle of gin he had stashed. 

They had laughed at the Muggle girlie rag of James's they had found. They found the bottle, only a third full, and passed it back and forth as they flipped through the magazine together. Laughing at the pictures, talking about how they weren't really all that arousing. They got drunker and Sirius said, "You know what would make them better?" 

"You," Remus replied. Sirius stopped laughing and the smile slid from his face, and Remus wished he could take back what he said then cut out his tongue so it never slipped out again. 

But Sirius's hand was on his tie, pulling him close and snogging. They kissed sloppily on the floor of the dormitory. Then Sirius was sliding down Remus's body, undoing his trousers. He sucked Remus's cock into his mouth and blew him hard and fast.

Remus remembered the pressure of the stone floor on the back of his head, the feel of Sirius's hair tight in his hands as he arched and gasped as he came down Sirius's throat. 

Then they were kissing again. Remus's hand going into Sirius's trousers. Bringing Sirius off as his rubbed himself hard in Remus's palm and on his leg. He had cried out in Remus's neck saying his name over and over. 

Months later when Remus had the sober courage and right time to ask Sirius about it, Sirius had blown him off. "Everyone's a shirt-lifter at school at some point. Don't worry about it, Moony," Sirius said, slapping his back and leading him out of the dormitory. 

Remus had worried about it though. It wasn't a shirt-lifting moment for him and he would bet his best robes it hadn't been one for Sirius either. It was something they both wanted. 

Remus woke up to the setting sun and rolled his head to see the bed was empty beside him. He knew now and it hurt. Sirius had been doing these things, experiencing the life Remus wanted, with someone else. 

He swallowed hard around the pain in his throat and willed himself back to sleep. The taste of Sirius's mouth from their sixth year – the smoke of whisky , the bitterness of come and the hidden clean smack of gin – haunted his dreams.

.......

"Lily's mum wants a sit-down dinner and since it's her mum I have to go sit and pick out if we should have steak or fish or some shit like that. There's still the cake to decide..."

Sirius pushed his sodden hair out of his face and looked at Remus out of the corner of his eyes – James trundling on about food, waiters, the number of courses, how many different cake flavours there were. Sirius raised a single brow and rolled his eyes expansively. Remus covered his laugh with a cough and a wiped his nose with his glove. James talked about wedding plans a lot lately: unfortunately, it was to them. They had all grown quite tired of the endless discussions about linens and name cards, or all the inner family politics of who was paying for what since Lily's family hardly had two pounds to rub together and James was well...James. They had taken it in turns to abuse James for all the wedding talk any chance they got, but they sadly didn't seem to deter James. 

"I'm supposed to decide on the champagne for the toasts, and –" 

Sirius huffed and said, "Prongs?" 

"Yeah?" James said coming to a stop and looking at them. His cloak whipped back behind with a sudden gust of wind and his eyes were hidden from view under the rain that had splattered his glasses.

"Do we look like birds to you, Prongs?" Sirius said pointing at himself then Remus. 

James took off his glasses, tapped them with his wand, pushed them back on his nose, now perfectly clear, and looked back and forth between the pair of them. "Your hair's as pretty as any girl's –" Sirius shoved James in the shoulder " – I meant Moony not you. You can be a bitch though." James dodged another playful blow from Sirius and laughed. He ducked behind Remus using him as a shield. "Can't get me now you'd never hurt poor, Moony." James held Remus's shoulders tight, sliding through the muddy path as he steered Remus in various bobs and weaves. Sirius tried to get a clear shot with his wand at James as he slipped in the mud and struggled not to slide down the hill.

"You two –" Remus started, but tripped over a stone in the road as James pulled him sideways. In the moment of unbalance Sirius sprang forward, grabbing the front of Remus's cloak, then reached around Remus's back and poked James with his wand. 

"Ow!" James yelped, jumping out from behind Remus and rubbing his side. "That hurt!" 

Sirius, who still had a hand on Remus, smiled at him with a small wink then said, "Wasn't meant to tickle, you arse." He let go of Remus, turning to James. "The point is, we're not girls, we don't give a shit about where we're sitting and whether the cake filling is raspberries or arse-berries. An open bar is all we care about." 

"I'm only trying to include you." James pouted, looking like a child with his nose and ears-tips pink from the cold. "You are my best man, right?"

"Best man means I make sure you're not too hungover and I get first shot at which wedding guest I want to shag." Remus thought Sirius glanced briefly at him but it was too dark to be sure. 

"You always get first choice on who you shag anyway," James replied, pulling back his sleeve, then looking at his watch. "Come on, we're going to be late." 

They continued on down the path towards the village. Remus felt his thoughts unwillingly go to Sirius as they had so many times in the past few weeks. He tried not to think too much about what James had said but it was patently true. Sirius got first choice of shag, always. Sirius had who he wanted, when he wanted them. He had wanted Remus, which Remus had been waiting for, for so long but now he didn't know if the want was over. Sirius had been satisfied and could move on. 

Remus would never ask Sirius about that morning, ever. If he wanted to, he wouldn't even know where to start. They'd fucked and Sirius had left, that was all Remus needed to know. He was confused and hurt but he would sort out his own feelings. Looking to Sirius for answers wouldn't go well. Especially since their friendship had started to feel normal again. 

They still had moments of tension, but they were more easily pushed aside or explained. They had started to have fun together again and more than anything Remus wanted that. It didn't matter if he could never have Sirius in his bed, as his very own, so long as he had his friendship – at least Remus believed that for the most part. Having Sirius anyway he could would be enough. 

They came over the rise of the last hill and the sleepy village nestled before them, a series of shadows bellow the roiling sky. 

"Shit," James breathed and Remus's eyes snapped to the direction to where James was looking. There, twinkling amongst the blue clouds was the Dark Mark. "Shit," James said again sliding slightly before taking off down the path. 

Remus and Sirius both joined him, barreling down the hill. They entered the village at a dead run. Wands out, ready to fight, their feet pounding and sliding against the cobbles. They ducked through an alley and down a long back street. In front of them stood Fenwick's tall narrow house, Dark Mark still above it. 

A dark shadow crossed in front of the door and they all pointed their wands but then the person came running out. Long blond hair trailing behind him it took a second, in Remus's panic, for him to realise who it was. 

"Christ, Podmore," James said, coming to a halt as Sirius and Sturgis almost collided. 

"I've been waiting –" Sturgis doubled over, gasping for air. "Apparated on the High street –" He said, gripping his knees as his back heaved. "Saw the Mark and came running." 

"Is he..." James gestured at where the front door – which had been blasted open – had been. 

Sturgis shook his head and looked up at them. "He's gone. No one is..." He swallowed and looked suddenly very pale. 

"What is it?" Sirius asked sharply. 

"Benjy, he's not there. But..." Sturgis straightened up and said, "There are pieces." 

"Pieces?" Remus asked incredulously, wiping the rain from his face, which had started to slide down his jaw making it tickle. 

"There's a lot of blood and I saw what I thought was just a boot...but a foot was still in it. Blood everywhere." 

Remus looked away, wishing that perhaps someone had been splinched as he tried to escape, but knowing that was foolish. Benjy was not likely to leave a foot behind. 

"Let's get Moody here," James said and sent a Patronus, which looked too bright and cheerful to even be allowed at such a time. "He's the best at tracking." 

Sirius turned, splashing through a puddle was he walked to the door; both James and Remus made to follow. 

"What're you doing?" Sturgis said sharply to him. 

"Going in. Doubt much can happen to us now," Sirius said, raising his wand high and casting a narrow beam of light into the dark house. 

Remus was prepared to see something awful, perhaps not this awful though. The scent of blood and burnt hair prevailed heavily in the house. Fighting had not just occurred in one room but it looked like every room. Even with only his wand to light the way, Remus saw so much blood he couldn't believe that it had come from one body. Across the kitchen table there was glistening liquid and bits of matter that he made himself not look closely at. It was better for him not to know, or guess; he'd seen enough to haunt him already. 

The three of them went up the stairs, stepping quietly as if they were burglars not friends. Remus went into one bedroom as Sirius went into the other and James remained in the corridor. 

There had been fighting in this room as well, but not as bad. The bedside table had been blasted apart and chunks of plaster littered the floor, but there were no signs of physical violence. 

Remus walked to the window, which was oddly intact, and looked out into the now pouring rain. 

"What'd you reckon?" Sirius asked as he came silently into the room and pushed an empty bottle on the floor with his foot. Remus turned and watched the green glass flicker in Sirius's wand light as it is rolled and then clanked against the wall. There were a few more bottles littering the bedroom and Remus had noticed some downstairs as well. 

"There were a lot of them," James said walking into the room. Even though he appeared as nothing more than a dark form coming through the door Remus could still make out the mess of his hair. The sight oddly filled him with trust and comfort. How could one look at this person – with that hair – and not see a friend? 

With almost a whoosh, the weather changed and hail beat down on the roof making it sound as if they were standing under running water.

"There were. You reckon..." Remus asked letting the question drop off. It was hard to tell but he had seen the muddy prints. More than one type of shoe print in the blood that pooled around the hearth downstairs. 

"I can't guess," James said. "Moody will know. There was only Benjy and there was more than one Death Eater here." 

Sirius was looking down, fists on his hips, bottom lip between his teeth as he looked at the empty bottle he had kicked. "This is how it happens, yeah?" he said so quietly Remus almost couldn't hear him above the storm. "Death Eaters get pissed then go and kill any unlucky son of a bitch they can?" 

"I don't think Benjy was unlucky, exactly. He was marked. We all knew that, talented as he was," Remus replied. 

"You know what I meant," Sirius said and Remus didn't have a problem hearing that, and felt accusation in Sirius's words and could, even in the dark, read it on Sirius's face. 

"Have a sudden case of amnesia? I was with you all night," Remus said. 

"I didn't say anything," Sirius replied back. 

"You didn't have to," Remus said. "He was my friend, too. I liked him. This is hard for me, too." 

"I know," Sirius said so quietly Remus wasn't even sure he had spoken. He looked away from Remus and over his shoulder at James. "Who knew where Fenwick was?" 

James huffed and walked further into the room coming to a stop between Remus and Sirius. "Who didn't know?" 

"Sturgis, Moody, maybe some family. Dumbledore, of course. Hagrid, Hestia and Doge," Sirius said rattling names off with ease. "Lily, since you knew, all of us, and I mean the four of us –" 

"Stop," James said sharply. "You cannot do this." 

"Do what?" Sirius said back innocently. 

Remus gripped the edge of the windowsill behind him. He could hear the hail pinking off the glass, feel the panes rattle against his back. Sirius was spoiling for a fight and if he wanted one James would be more than happy to give it to him. Remus didn't want to be a witness to a row he would be pulled into.

"I will not have you," James said, pointing a finger at Sirius, "or you," James said, turning to Remus and jabbing a finger at him as well, "or anyone else say this sort of shit." 

"I said nothing," Remus said holding his hands up. 

"We're not friends just because I think you're a funny idiot but because I trust you. I trust all of you. And we can't try to pick each other apart. I won't let anyone dishonour our friendship this way. We are in this together. We fight together. I trust you, Padfoot." James looked to Sirius and nodded, Sirius did the same in return. "I trust you, Moony," James said, now looking to Remus and nodding. Remus returned the gesture. "You have to trust each other." James crossed his arms and took a step back so Remus and Sirius face each other unobstructed. They looked at each other square in the eyes and both nodded. Remus in this moment was sure of this gesture, was assured by what had passed between them. In two years, however, four years, six years and longer, Remus would remember back and wonder if Sirius had hesitated when he nodded. Sometimes Remus remembered quite clearly that he had. 

"Wormtail should be here soon, let's go find him," James said striding with purpose for the door. 

Sirius followed until he stood in the doorway. He looked over his shoulder at Remus and said, "You're coming?" 

"Yeah," Remus said, standing straight and walking to the door. 

"I really liked him. I never thought –" Sirius started to say but cut himself off. 

"I know," Remus said touching Sirius on the back. "I did, too."

.......

The bus fish-tailed and swayed dangerously as it sped along a snow covered street. The snow was falling thick and fast, made worse by a wind so intense it rattled the cold window where Remus had rested his head. There was no way, in this blizzard, the driver could see where he was going. Remus's suspicions were confirmed as he saw a skip and lamp post fly past his window in quick succession.

"Ugh, the snow is making me sick," James said, moaning next to Remus. He put his head back on his seat and closed his eyes. His body moving back in forth with each violent jerk of the bus. 

"Sure it's not all the shots?" Remus asked, turning to him. "The round of tequila shots in that last pub smelled funny to me." 

"Don't talk about it," James said with a wince. 

"There were the pints we started with. Or could be the fish and chips we had. Maybe one of the...dancers, the one who seemed to like you, maybe you caught something from her." 

"God, I'm going to kill you, Moony," James replied through gritted teeth but not opening his eyes. Remus smiled at James's discomfort.

The bus banged and lurched down another lane. The snow was gone but the wind remained. It blew across the bus, making it sway, if possible, worse than before.

"I hate the smell of strippers," James said suddenly, sitting up straight and sounding very lucid. "Weird and sweet. Like they spray themselves in spun sugar." James wrinkled his face and shook his head. 

"You seemed to enjoy them at the time," Remus pointed out. 

"I've had enough rum to enjoy anything. Oh fuck...the rum..." James stood bolt up from his seat and looked around the bus in a panic. "Think I can get off here? Where are we?" 

"Hurry, Jamie," Remus said, standing from his seat and pushing James towards the back of the bus. "There's a WC back there." Remus chivvied James as quickly as he could, dodging a swinging chandelier, which dripped candle wax in his hair. They were sure to get kicked off if any of them made a mess. "The bloody conductor still hasn't forgiven us –" 

"Jesus, sorry!" James said, pushing past a woman who was hurrying to the front. The bus pulled to a stop and Remus caught James by the back of his belt to keep him from falling forward. "Maybe, I'm all right," James said, swaying on the spot and blinking like an owl. 

"We should probably still go," Remus said, urging him forward. 

"I'm going to kill Sirius for that. The conductor would hardly let us on." 

"Sirius paid him off to do so this time," Remus said. 

"Bloody idiot. Shit!" The bus started again with another mighty lurch and James took off stumbling and barely making it to the WC before he started to be sick. 

"What's happened?" Peter said, coming down the stairs. 

"The rum, it's paying him another visit," Remus replied as they both looked at James huddled on the floor. 

"Wish I were dead," James said, groaning. 

"You stay with him," Remus said stepping on the bottom step. "I'll go get Sirius and we'll get off at the next stop." 

Remus climbed the long spiral staircase to the top deck of the bus. Unlike the level below, which was well lit, the top level was softly dark. The roof being a series of long windows, which allowed a clear view of the sky outside. Remus could see the bright sickle moon winking down on the bus. 

He walked quietly down the rows of squishy reclining chairs. More than one form was huddled under a blanket sleeping soundly. Remus understood why they didn't go downstairs to sleep in the beds; if he was tired he'd want to sleep under the night sky, too. 

He found Sirius in the very front row. Knee tucked up, pressed to the front window of the bus, and reclined partly back in the chair as the drove along a beach somewhere in the south. Remus stood watching him. Sirius was not often quiet, or still. 

He tossed his hair back from his face pointlessly; he had cut it earlier that day – the day before technically – to look smart for the wedding. Remus had been disappointed at first when he saw him; he liked Sirius's longer hair. He had stopped cutting it for six months or so and Remus's hadn't realized how much it had grown. Looking now, Remus saw Sirius's handsome face was on display even more with his hair shorter. Remus could see the sharp angle of his jaw, the straight edge of his nose, the fullness of his lips all clearly. Not that Sirius could ever hide his haughty good looks even with long hair. Now more people would notice, though, and Remus could not help but feel a twinge of jealousy. 

Sirius lifted a flask to his lips and took a long pull from it. 

"Haven't had enough?" Remus said quietly, sliding into the empty chair next to Sirius's. 

Sirius's lips twitched and looked out of the corner of his eyes at Remus. "Took a sobering potion so I could start all over again," he said, passing Remus the flask. Remus laughed softly and took a slow drink. It was very fine brandy; Remus had to keep himself from having more than his share. He smiled, shaking his head as he handed the flask back to Sirius. "You think I'm joking?" Sirius said and took another drink. 

"You aren't?" Remus said, knocking their shoulders together. 

Sirius turned to face out the front window as they took a sharp turn and arrived in an inglorious manner in the village square. "Regulus is dead," Sirius said flatly. 

Remus's head snapped towards Sirius, but he sat there, eyes straight forward as a group of old crones tottered onto the bus. His face was smooth and unreadable. He acted as if Remus weren't there, staring at him with his mouth slightly open. 

The bus started with a bang again and finally Remus found his voice, "I'm very sorry." Sirius made a twitchy sort of gesture like a shrug and took another drink before handing the bottle back to Remus. "When did you hear?" Remus said, before taking another pull. 

"This morning, not just now – yesterday morning I mean. My cousin...Andromeda. She let me know." 

Remus wanted to reach over and pull Sirius to him, comfort him physically. He was finding it incredibly difficult to find the right words. Sirius and Regulus had a very complicated relationship. Remus didn't try to understand it, didn't even ask questions about it. Sirius's mad family had been the subject of more than one conversation, especially before Sirius ran away, but Regulus had always been off limits. As if he existed in another world apart from the others. "Do you –" 

"He disappeared a few days ago. I heard...then got a Floo call this..." Sirius's face scrunched in an odd way like he might cry and was trying not to. Remus reached over and wrapped his hand around Sirius's thigh. He could no longer bear not to touch him. Sirius' gaze flicked to the touch – his eyes reflecting silver in the moonlight – then back out the window. "Such a fucking idiot," Sirius said in a furious whisper. "Always listening to them. Never thinking for his own bloody self. Clever but dumb. Now he saw it. Too fucking late though, can't say no to Voldemort."

"Do you...was there...do you know..." Remus was still struggling to find the words to ask all the questions he had that wanted to burst from his lips. "You kept this in, all day? You didn't tell Prongs?" 

"Couldn't ruin Jamie's big day. I take my best man responsibilities very seriously." Sirius looked at Remus with a small smirk and a twitch of his brows. 

Remus gripped Sirius's thigh tighter and smiled. "That why we made it to more than one strip club? You're doing your job and don't mind the distractions that come with it?" 

"I don't find strippers distracting," Sirius said, his voice deep and low. He leaned closer to Remus and reached up cupping Remus's face in his large hands. 

Remus closed his eyes and exhaled, and in the next breath Sirius's lips were on his. They were kissing slowly. The bus rocking them to and fro but their mouths staying together as they explored each other with only their lips. Sirius flicked his tongue across Remus's bottom lip and then Remus pulled it into his mouth. Sirius tasted of the fine brandy and the mint of a sobering draught. No, definitely not lying about taking that potion.

Remus leaned in closer opening his mouth more, wanting Sirius's tongue in further. Sirius slid his tongue along Remus's, slowly inviting it into his mouth. 

Remus rested his hand on Sirius's chest to steady himself as the bus violently turned. He could feel Sirius's heart racing. Sirius's slid his hands into Remus's hair pushed his tongue back into Remus's, their lips and teeth coming together in a soul-satisfying crash. The bus jerked in the other direction and their mouths suddenly came apart as Sirius fell hard into Remus. 

"Sorry," he said with a shy smile, straightening up. Remus had never in his life seen Sirius smile that way. He thought his heart would stop. 

"James is sick," Remus blurted out. "Thought maybe we should get off." 

"Course he's sick. Did you see how much he drank?" Sirius replied. "He'll be all right though. Think we can stay here for a bit?" He reached his hand to Remus's and slid their fingers together. His expression was filled with sweet tenderness and his eyes – where he always showed the most of himself – were filled with an aching sadness. 

"Yeah, I think we can stay," Remus said, looking down at their clasped hands then back into Sirius's eyes. 

He leaned in and kissed Remus one more time on the mouth. "Thank you, Moony." Sirius sat back in his seat, tucking himself against Remus's side and laying his head on his shoulder. 

The bus banged again and this time it screamed down the high street in a village in Wales next to the one Remus had grown up in. The stars and moon were bright above them, Remus could practically taste the crisp night air. He pressed his body tight to Sirius keeping him close as the Knight Bus swayed and carried them the long way home.

.......

"And where would you like this one? Here in the salon? Or over here in the entrance hall?" James levitated the box from near a small side table to by the door. Remus's new flat was exactly two square yards, he had measured, the tiny space an endless source of amusement.

"With the other books is fine," Remus said, trying to find the box with his duvet in it and failing. "How can one person have so much crap?" he asked in exasperation after another failure. 

"I dunno," James said, looking around with a frown. "Doesn't look like you have all that much to me. The space gives it that illusion." 

"It's big enough," Remus grumbled as he pulled out his wand to Summon the duvet. 

"Big enough for what?" James said. "A bed and a mug for tea. This place is...is...look." James pointed, words failing, to the leak coming from Remus's one window. 

"I can fix that," Remus said with a shrug. 

"And what about the neighbourhood? This gives dodgy a whole new definition." 

"They're Muggles, it won't matter. It'll be better this way." 

"Why is that exactly?" James demanded, and Remus stowed his wand with an exaggerated sigh. They had been over this more than once. 

"I can't be staying in a place when they start asking me funny questions." 

"Like where you go every month? How come you're thinner than when I saw you two days ago? Who's the loud bloke who comes over with the motorcycle?" James rattled off. 

"It was definitely the motorcycle that made that one landlord upset. Grease spot on the pavement." 

"He cleaned it up, didn't he?" 

"Yeah, but not before he was rude about it." Remus shrugged and pulled out his wand again. "Doesn't matter. Didn't like that place much to start." 

"And you like this one?" James said sceptically. "You actually going to unpack this time?" 

"I unpack at my own speed," Remus said quietly and pointed his wand at his old school trunk and Summoned his duvet. What he wasn't going to tell James was that he hated unpacking. It was so bothersome and a waste of time. If he told James this then the conversation about why he had to move so much would start all over again. Remus hated taking money from his friends and trying to find a flat that he could afford without the neighbours getting too nosy or curious had been a reoccurring problem for him. Death Eaters sympathizers and Order members calling at various times could also be a problem. It was better to be unreachable. If he wanted to be more accessible then he would have to unpack, lay down some roots. Remus preferred to unpack on an as needed basis. It was a little overwhelming to find a place for everything in the tiny space anyway. 

"Oy! Look at this," James said, going to the window where an owl had just landed. "Someone's found you already." He took the letter from the owl's leg; the owl took off immediately. Apparently no reply was needed. "Here," James said, handing Remus the letter. "Looks like it's from Dumbledore." 

Remus took the letter, frowning. He couldn't imagine what Dumbledore wanted from him. He had been moving and acting on Dumbledore's orders, but those orders mostly came in person. Remus was certainly no double agent, not yet at least. Dumbledore had shifted plans on him constantly. Recently he found out other sorts of information. Did his best to break up Death Eater mayhem. Limit the amount of Muggle torture actually performed. 

Remus opened the letter and felt the blood drain from his face as he read the lines that attempted to soften the blow with embellished words and phrases. 

"What's the matter?" James asked, reading the letter over Remus's shoulder. He let James finish, then folded it back up and banished it to his open trunk. "Well," James said, looking from where it had flown back to Remus. "Must've found someone else to do the dirty work." 

Those words did not make Remus feel any better. He thought he had been doing a fine job. Doing and acting exactly as Dumbledore had asked. He had wanted to do more but Dumbledore had insisted not. Remus felt like he had been sacked, and he knew that feeling well. Remus had been sacked from more than one job and now he had lost the one he thought he was truly good at.

"Who do you think it is?" Remus asked. 

"Don't know," James shrugged. "It's not going to be me, is it? Voldemort isn't my biggest fan lately. Cheer up, Moony," James said with a slap on the shoulder. "It's not like you got kicked out of the Order." 

"Feels like I was," Remus admitted. 

"I know how that feels," James said. "It's not fun sitting home on your hands because you can't be going out every night to fight Death Eaters. They're too eager to have you dead." 

Remus felt suddenly like the worlds biggest prick. Here he was being upset about a simple mission change, where James was basically chained to the house as much as anyone could keep him there. "Prongs, I'm sorry, I'm being stupid," Remus said, looking at James. 

"It's fine," James said with a shrug but his voice betrayed he really wasn't fine with it, it was just the way it was. "We can be upset about it. Sirius'll be chuffed though." 

"Why's that?"

"Worried about you, isn't he?" James said, moving a box so he could take a seat in the one piece of furniture other than the bed. 

"He is?" Remus knew that he was, but tried to ask the question as if he really hadn't thought that all along. 

"Yeah. You know how he is. Christ! A spring just practically went up my arse," James said, jumping out of the chair. "Get rid of that as soon as you can, it's crap." 

"Sorry." 

James waved his wand and a lovely winged armchair appeared. James sat in it and stretched out his legs, resting them on a box. "He's got a big temper, stomps around, waving his ridiculous arms and legs everywhere." James mimed like a marionette waving his arms about. Remus snorted a laugh. "He's scared. Fancies you, you know that." James looked up at Remus giving him a straight look. 

Remus felt his neck heat and rubbed at it self-consciously. "Suppose he does," Remus said. They weren't together, or climbing in each other's beds every night or anything. But there had been enough exploration going on between them that it would be obvious to someone who knew them well, like James. 

"It's why he was a prick when you got the assignment. Worried, that's all." 

"I hadn't realized he needed an excuse to be a prick," Remus said dryly. 

"Good point," James replied. 

"Who's a prick?" Sirius said, stomping into the room, levitating a stack of boxes. "This is it. Wormtail will be here in a minute." 

"You're a prick," James said lightly. 

Sirius shrugged and didn't seem to be bothered by the insult. "Mine's so big it's hard not to act like one, isn't it?" 

James rolled his eyes and said, "Moony's got a letter." 

"Why is that news?" Sirius said, looking to Remus. 

"Dumbledore's ended my mission. I'm not spying anymore." It hurt to say the words more than he expected. 

"That's brilliant," Sirius said, not even caring that Remus clearly wasn't happy about it. He was and that was the important part. 

"Show some sensitivity," James said. 

"Why? He doesn't have to pretend anymore. Now he can be himself. Come fight giants with the rest of us. You cheer up, too, Prongs. You can come along as well." 

"If Dumbledore doesn't kill me, Lily will," James replied. 

"Boredom will kill you," Sirius said solemnly. "Cheer up everyone. Let's go have a drink. I'll go get Pete." Sirius practically skipped out of the flat. James turned and gave Remus a very smug I-told-you-so look.

.......

"Isn't he brilliant?"

"Looks a bit like a sausage roll if you ask me." 

With the white blanket wrapped tight around him, red knitted hat, and pink face; Remus had to agree with Sirius. The baby did look remarkably like a sausage roll, a giant one. 

"Shut it," James said, shoving Sirius away from the Moses basket and scooping up his newborn son. James tore the hat off with a flourish, threw it on the sofa, and held the baby next to his head. "See?" 

Sirius crossed his arms, gave Remus a side eye. The baby looked identical to James, in a baby sort of way. The hair though, that was an exact replica. "I can see why you think he's brilliant," Sirius grinned. "Looks like you with out the specs." James beamed with pride and cradled the baby in his arms. 

"Here, Padfoot," James said, practically shoving the baby at him. "Best get to know your godson." Sirius looked ready to run but couldn't help but take the baby dropped into his arms. 

Remus did not begrudge the fact Lily and James had picked Sirius as godfather. He and James had always been like brothers. Their bond had been solid since the day they'd met. The months leading up to the birth had been especially difficult on James, which only cemented what he and Sirius already had. James's dad had been quite ill before his death, and Sirius had done his part to keep Lily safe, to watch over Mr Potter, or be any other place James needed him to be when he couldn't be there.

"He's not so bad," Sirius said, rocking the baby in the same motion all people tended to take on when holding one. Remus stood next to Sirius and peered down at the sweet little face. He looked quite relaxed and at ease in Sirius's arms. 

"He is a miniature James, isn't he?" Remus asked. 

"Poor thing," Remus and Sirius said at the same time, earning them a glare.

Sirius continued to sway with the baby and said, "Guess you'll have to stay though. Your mum and I were hoping you'd look like me, but I suppose you're the result of something Prongs did." 

"Do those I-shagged-your-wife jokes ever get old?" James asked, flopping into a chair. He had dark smudges under his eyes and looked as if he'd slept in his clothes. 

"Not jokes if they're true," Sirius said. The baby cracked open one almond shaped eye and studied Sirius blearily. Deciding that Sirius must be all right he closed the eye and fell back asleep. Sirius smiled at Remus, but didn't offer to let Remus hold him. 

"How would you feel if I made rude jokes like that about Moony?" James said as he scrubbed his face with his hands. 

"Don't be silly," Sirius said softly, talking to James as if he were the baby. "Moony'd never shag you. Your knob's too small." 

James looked half-indignant and half-amused. Remus looked away as he felt his face burn, trying to cover his blush by having a coughing fit. 

James jumped from the chair and plucked Harry from Sirius's arms. "No coughing around the baby. Germs, you know." 

"James," Lily's voice came floating out of the bedroom. 

"You're in trouble now," Sirius said. 

"What time is it?" Lily called. 

"Coming," James called back to her as he checked his watch. "Time for Harry to eat," he explained. "Don't leave yet. I want a beer." 

James grabbed Harry's basket from the couch with his free hand and padded down the corridor. 

"He seems really good at this," Remus said, watching James's back. 

Sirius sighed. "I reckon so. Guess our fun is over." 

Sirius moved to the door, gesturing with the shrug of his shoulder for Remus to follow.

Remus followed Sirius out into the front garden, through the winding path, through the roses, which were closed up tight in the warm clear night. Summer had finally arrived in England. Remus was glad Sirius had wanted to go outside; best to enjoy the season for the few days it lasted. 

Catching Sirius up, Remus came to a stop shortly before the fence. Sirius squinted out into the night. "Who's supposed to be here tonight?" 

"We're here now," Remus replied. "I thought Peter was supposed to come with us." 

"He owled me earlier. He's ill. Lily won't let him within the village, let alone the house." 

Remus looked out into the night into the sleepy little village. He quite liked this one. Dumbledore had picked a nice cozy place for Harry to be born. Thankfully Lily and James had been able to stay for a month. Remus knew James hated anywhere that wasn't Godric's Hollow but maybe having a nice cottage, a quiet village, would make James feel less...twitchy. 

"You're smiling," Sirius said, sliding a finger in one of Remus's belt loops and pulling him close. 

"Am I?" Remus said, smiling more as he looked at Sirius. 

"What are you thinking about?" 

"That this is a lovely place." 

"This town? You fancy yourself living in a place like this?" Sirius asked as he grinned. 

Remus chortled and said, "I don't know. You?" 

"Pffft. No," Sirius scoffed. "It's desperately quiet here, isn't it?" 

"It is very quiet," Remus agreed. 

"Once James gets a decent night's sleep he's going to go absolutely spare in this place. They'll have to move because the people will start talking about the bloke with the mad hair who is always setting things on fire and creating a ruckus." 

The small wail of a baby came from an open window and Remus said, "It'll be awhile before he gets some sleep." 

The gravel crunched behind them, they both turned, seeing James coming down the path with three bottles clutched in his hands. Sirius took his hand off his Remus's waist as James drew close and reached for his drink and Remus's. 

James took out his wand, and with a flick all three caps popped off the bottles and dropped into the grass. They stood in a companionable silence, looking out into the night as they drank their beers. 

Remus looked up at the sky, studying the stars and missing school for the first time in ages. He'd always found Astronomy a very peaceful class – after many years of fearing the night, coming to appreciate its beauty – when the moon wasn't full. He looked at Vega shining brightly, then down to the right at Sirius's astrological constellation. The J with the three tails of Scorpius with the giant red star of Antares. He flicked his eyes only slightly left and marked the middle of the Milky Way with them, proud of himself still being able to read the sky well enough to do that. 

"This is quality beer," Sirius said, looking down at the green bottle and frowning at it. "Who's doing the marketing? Keep 'em at it, this is lovely." 

James snorted and drained his bottle. "Lily actually did it. Two days ago before Harry was born. She was going round the twist and next thing I knew she was out the door, going to buy food." 

"You let her go?" Remus asked sceptically. 

"Followed her under the Invisibility Cloak," James said with a smirk, vanishing his bottle. "Would've cursed my bollocks off if she knew. Threatened to do just that later when her contractions really started." 

"Not like Lily to make an empty threat. Hopefully she's forgotten now," Remus observed. 

James yawned widely and nodded as he tried to cover his mouth. 

Sirius clasped James's shoulder, "We'll go, Prongs, you need to sleep." 

"Nah, I'm fine," James said, trying to hide another yawn. 

"Go," Remus said and vanished his empty bottle. "We'll come back tomorrow." 

"Yeah, you can tell us how brilliant the baby is all over again and I'll even pretend you hadn't said that all before," Sirius said. 

James retreated back into the house without further protest and within moments the lights were out. 

"Shall we go?" Sirius asked. 

"Together?" Remus replied lightly. 

"When's the last time we haven't gone to mine? I don't even know where you live anymore. How many times have you moved?" 

"Four times in the past year." 

"See? And none of it matters. You're always at mine. I think you should stay there all the time." 

"I do stay there all the time, you were just saying that," Remus said with a shake of his head. 

"No. Mine should be ours." Remus looked at Sirius startled and blinked at him. 

"Are you –" 

"When I bought it I always expected you to bloody be there anyway. Why the hell would I need two bedrooms?" 

"You never said, I didn't know. What is in the other bedroom?" Remus knew the flat had another room but he couldn't ever recall seeing. 

"Dusty furniture from Uncle Alphard's, my school trunk and anything I want to hide from you." 

"What are you hiding from me?" Remus said, stepping close to Sirius. 

"Porn magazines and a present or two I bought you. I best move them now, since you're moving in and I know how much you secretly love those magazines." 

Remus laughed, "Not very good about keeping the secret if you know." 

"I know everything," Sirius said with a sly grin and kissed Remus lightly. "It's settled, you're moving in. Not in that room though." Sirius added gravely and Remus couldn't help but grin. He didn't think Sirius would ever let him sleep anywhere else even if he wanted to. 

Remus leaned in and kissed Sirius lightly but Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus kissing him harder

"Let's go," Sirius said against Remus's mouth. Without waiting for a response he pulled Remus out the gate and to his waiting motorcycle. 

The air felt cool up high as their hair rustled in the light breeze as Sirius drove at his ease, one hand on the handle-bars the other behind him, wresting his hand on Remus's knee their fingers tangled together. Remus felt the urgent ache in his chest that he wanted Sirius but there were no need to rush. They were together. 

Sirius landed on the patio so deftly only magic could explain it. 

They were through the door in seconds; Sirius cradling Remus's face in his hands and kissing him slowly as they walked to the bedroom. 

"You do that a lot you know," Remus said as they came to a stop in the threshold of the room. 

"Do what?" Sirius said, toeing off his shoes and unbuckling his belt. 

"Touch my face when we kiss," Remus said, reaching for the hem of his shirt. 

Sirius looked up from his flies and said, "I like when you look at me." 

"I close my eyes when we kiss." 

"I know. But it makes me think of when you look at me. Your expression, it makes me feel..." Sirius looked down, fussing with his buttons as if he'd admitted something horribly private. "Even when I'm an arse you look at me that way." 

"What way was that exactly?" 

Sirius looked at Remus with narrowed eyes. "You're mad for me and don't care who knows it." 

Remus shoved Sirius to bed and kissed him again. Remus clutched the front of Sirius's shirt as they kissed deeply. Sirius's mouth soft, warm and yielding on Remus's lips and tongue. Remus sucked and tasted Sirius's full lower lip. Thinking of all the times Sirius had brushed it against his skin, dragged it across the underside of his cock. 

Remus groaned and wrapped his legs around Sirius's waist. Their hips ground together, their cocks pressing together through their jeans. 

"Take your clothes off," Sirius demanded breathlessly before sinking into another kiss. "Hurry," Sirius panted. 

He pushed one of Remus's legs down and swung his leg over Remus and rolled him on his back with practiced ease. He pulled Remus's shirt sharply over his head before doing the same to his own. Sirius rose above him strong and tall. Remus ran his hands across Sirius's chest, the dark hair of it soft across his palms. He ran his hands to Sirius's shoulders gripping them and digging his fingers into the strong flesh there. Sirius slowly moved up and down, grinding against Remus's cock as he studied Sirius with his hands. 

Remus held Sirius's waist, feeling the move and shift of each muscle as he rolled his body to Remus's. Remus brushed his fingers just under the waistband of Sirius's pants until he reached the middle where Sirius's cock was pushing above it. He circled a gentle finger around the tip and Sirius threw his head back. "God, I love when you touch me." 

But before Remus could touch him more Sirius was sliding off his body, pulling Remus's jeans and pants off before removing his own. Sirius knelt on the bed between Remus's legs nudging his thighs apart. He lowered himself to Remus's entrance and opened him gently with his thumbs and pressed his tongue to him. 

"God," Remus groaned pushing into Sirius's mouth. He put his feet flat to the bed trying to spread his legs wider, let Sirius in further. He rested his hands on the back of Sirius's head carding his fingers in his thick, soft, perfect hair. 

Sirius moaned against Remus and pushed his mouth further. Remus rocked back as Sirius slowly ate him. 

His thumbs pushed into Remus's entrance, opening him more and Sirius slid his tongue in further. His mouth was warm, wet and firm on his arse. Sirius licking, sucking and kissing Remus apart. 

Remus felt like the only part of his body that existed was below his waist. His cock, hard and wet with precome against his stomach, his balls pleasantly aching and tight, his arse taking Sirius's mouth and wanting him. He pulled Sirius's hair and thrust hard against his face. 

Sirius lifted his head and whispered, "I know." Then brought his mouth down to Remus's balls, lovingly, tenderly sucking each one.

"Oh, God," Remus moaned, arching so hard his back bowed off the bed. 

"I know," Sirius whispered again and this time took Remus's cock into his mouth. He sucked Remus hard, cock hitting the back of his throat. Running those lips Remus's loved up and down his shaft, wrapping his tongue firmly around the back of it. Remus was torn apart and couldn't hold on. Sirius squeezed his lips tighter and pushed two fingers into Remus's entrance. 

Remus's foot slipped as he thrust hard, hard, harder, holding Sirius's head there as he came and came down Sirius's throat. 

"See?" Sirius said, crawling up Remus's body giving him a come-laced kiss. "I know." 

"Fuck, yes," Remus said, head still spinning and heart racing. 

Sirius moved back down in between Remus's legs but this time pressed the back of Remus's knees as he entered Remus with a well practiced thrust. 

They fucked for what felt like hours. Sirius's cock filling him with each roll of his hips, Sirius's hands on his legs, on his chest, rubbing his nipples sending waves of pleasure through Remus's body that made him moan. Sirius's never touched lightly. It was firm and sure. He existed with complete confidence. Was loud, stubborn and obnoxious with certainty but he loved and gave the same way too. With his whole heart fearlessly worn on his sleeve. 

Sirius's hand rubbed down the hairs of Remus's belly to his cock, which had grown stiff. "I like that you're hard again," Sirius said with a satisfaction. 

He wrapped his hands around Remus's waist, rocked back onto his heels and pulled Remus into his lap. 

"God, I like it like this," Remus moaned, pressing his cock between them and pushing down on Sirius's cock. 

"Ride me," Sirius said, gripping Remus's head and pulling him down into a kiss. Remus moved up and down, thrilling at the friction on his cock and the stretch of Sirius's in his arse. "Harder," Sirius demanded against Remus's mouth and thrust up. 

"Jesus!" Remus cried out. 

"Like when I fuck you hard?" Sirius asked but didn't need an answer. He thrust furiously, balls deep, into Remus and Remus pushed back against him, nails digging into Sirius's sweat-slicked back as he cried out and moaned. 

"God, fuck, like that," Sirius panted. "Hard, fuck. Fuck my cock. Like that." 

Sirius pulled Remus's head down into another kiss. Remus kept his eyes open, looking at Sirius as he always did. Telling him he was his for the taking, always. Sirius saw the look his eyes widening with surprise and shining with satisfaction. 

Sirius gripped Remus's hair and groaned as they kissed, Remus biting his lower lip. 

"God, fuck, like that," Sirius panted. "Kiss me like that again. God, fuck my cock harder." 

Remus's cock rubbed between their bodies. Sirius's skin on him, Sirius in him. "Oh, god," Remus moaned, tipping his head back. He clung to Sirius as he felt his orgasm burst from him again. 

"Fuck, yes," Sirius said. "Come on me." Then he cried out, thrust hard up into Remus's arse over and over as he filled him. 

Remus crumbled against Sirius's shoulder; shaking and sweaty, completely unable to move. He could still feel the last pulses of Sirius's cock in him. 

Sirius breathed heavily against his chest, muscles of his back and arms twitching. 

Remus lifted his head and cupping Sirius's jaw he kissed like Sirius had asked. Sirius startled in surprise at first but then wrapped his arms tightly around Remus's waist. 

"I want –" Remus whispered against Sirius's fevered lips. 

"To sleep?" Sirius asked finishing the thought. 

"No," Remus said, pressing a kiss to Sirius's neck. It was salty and hot on his lips. "For you to fuck me again." 

"You're a greedy bastard," Sirius said with a smile against Remus's chest.

He slowly leaned forward, lying Remus's down on the bed, staying between Remus's thighs, cock still in his arse. 

He pressed his forehead to Remus's and rolled his hips gently, his cock was still over half-hard. "Maybe in a bit?" he said with a small smile. "Get me a glass of water, maybe a sandwich first?" 

"Food? At this hour? What time is it?" 

"Don't really care. You're here."

.......

Remus was well aware it was morning, late morning at that. It was time to get up. He really didn't want to though. He unwillingly cracked one eye and saw, as he could've guessed, that the window he looked at was rain-washed. Yesterday the slow, constant, London rain had started and hadn't let up. He really hadn't wanted it to rain today.

He opened his other eye and it fell on his half full trunk. He really didn't want to fuss with it. He'd been putting it off for days and he supposed the time had come to finish with it. He really didn't want any more pointed looks from Sirius. 

Remus shifted to look at the provider of said pointed looks and tried not to smile. He was fast asleep on his back. Hair looking especially dark his long black strands splayed against the winter white pillow case, face turned away from Remus towards the wall without windows. Dark stubble marked the sharp line of his jaw and strong chin. His sweet mouth, which Remus could never have enough of, was slightly parted in a pouty-like innocence. Remus smiled at the thought, Sirius's mouth was far from innocent. He thought about Sirius's lips pressing wet kisses to his shoulder, tongue flicking again his ear as he whispered filthy endearments into it. Remus's smile deepened with that memory. 

One arm was thrown over Sirius's head, fingers lightly curled. Remus's gaze travelled down the other one. His strong shoulder to his arm, the slight curve of his bicep, down his long forearm where the skin was darker given his propensity to ride his motorcycle with his sleeves pushed up. Down to his large, long-fingered hand. Sirius's had one small callus at the base of his ring finger from gripping his handle-bars--Remus had felt it against is knuckles last night as Sirius's covered his hands with his. 

Sirius had come stumbling home well after midnight – not stumbling so much as buoyant and light as a bubble. Remus didn't need to ask how everything had gone, he could see from Sirius's crooked smile that all was well. Without saying a word he had removed all his clothes, got into bed with Remus and rolled him over. 

Remus had ended up chest pressed against the headboard, arms stretched out in a T grasping each side. Sirius had extended his arms along Remus's, their hands twisted and sweaty held together. 

Remus's eyes drifted to Sirius's broad chest with its spangle of dark hair. Down to his stomach were the hair grew thicker around his navel, leading down the flat of his stomach. One leg was tucked under the sheet, while the other was extended completely naked out from it. Remus's eyes went across the flat of his hip, up the slope of the muscles of his thigh. When Remus studied Sirius like this he couldn't help but feel how perfect Sirius was. Every arch, curve, angle was exactly as it should me. He almost felt lacking, seeing it naked before him. But then when he was with Sirius, in his arms, in their bed Sirius made him feel that all the shapes and lines that made his body – which had always tended to look underfed – were perfect. 

Sirius's leg seemed to go on forever as Remus's eyes travelled down it. Like his arms Sirius's legs were long. Long limbed described him precisely. A suppressed laugh made Remus's lips twitch as he thought about Sirius's big appendages. 

Remus looked directly at Sirius's crotch, which was discretely covered in the sheet. Sirius did have a large and lovely cock. Remus's own twitched at the memory of it filling him only hours ago. 

Sirius had fucked him slowly. Rolling his hips in fluid repetition while he had kissed the back of Remus's neck, slid his tongue across Remus's shoulder blades, rubbed his nipples with his thumbs, cupped his balls, stroked his cock. Slowly bringing Remus to edge again and again as he whispered to Remus how much he needed him, how he had to have him always. Finally when Remus couldn't take it anymore he arched back against Sirius, hand sliding through his hair as his orgasm over took. 

He came to himself shaky and sweaty with Sirius still in him, fucking him slowly, saying, "Going to fuck you all night, Moony. You can get hard for me again. Come for me again." As he slid one come covered finger across Remus's mouth. 

Sirius had finally released when Remus couldn't anymore. Sirius had loved, rubbed, and used Remus's body to its limit. He wrapped his arms under Remus's and over, gripping his shoulders tight as he pushed himself as deep as he could go, slowly thrusting until he was crying out and filling Remus with his come. 

It had been so rich with feeling and emotion Remus was almost tempted to tell Sirius not to worry that they could still shag in Ireland, or France, or wherever they planned on hiding. He hadn't wanted to ruin the moment though. Sirius had clearly felt at peace for the first time in a long time, which by extension made Remus feel that way as well. Finally, maybe the constant worry would become less constant. 

Sirius's mouth moved and his arm dropped down to his side; he was waking up. "What's the time?" he asked, voice thick and hoarse. 

Remus arched to look over at the clock on Sirius's side table. "After eleven." 

"Fuck," Sirius grumbled, rubbing his face. 

Remus rolled closer to Sirius sliding his hand across his skin coming to rest it above his navel. Sirius slid his other hand up to grasp it. 

"Need to get up," Sirius said minutes later. 

"Why?" Remus said, stroking his thumb against Sirius's sleep warmed skin. 

Sirius squeezed his fingers then slid his hand away as he moved to the side of the bed, sitting up. He groaned as he held his head in his hands. Remus could see him pressing his fingers into his temples and hairline. "God, I need to eat something. I need a drink first though." Sirius patted around the bed and then slid his hand under his pillow coming out with his wand. He pointed it at the side table transfiguring an empty pint glass then filling it with water. He turned to it and gave Remus a silent toast with a raised brow, then drank. He drank deeply, throat sliding up and down with each swallow, one tiny stream of water sliding out of the corner of his mouth. 

"Ah," he said with satisfaction, wiping his mouth and setting the glass down. 

"What'd you drink last night? You weren't that drunk," Remus said. 

"Bloody port. Even if I had only had one glass I'd still feel like hell." 

"You wouldn't prefer to stay in bed another hour?" Remus asked. 

Sirius slid one thigh up on the bed to look at Remus more squarely. "Really? My cock's likely to fall off from before." 

"Mine isn't though. Or at least I hope not." 

"Is that so?" Sirius said with a smirk and a nod. "Fancy me on all fours?" 

"Well..." They had only recently started doing this. Sirius had been beyond curious – he'd been eager to try it. Remus, feeling slightly selfish, was hesitant. He would blow Sirius, wank him, eat his arse or anything else any time they wanted but when it came down to it he wanted Sirius in him. 

"Can't very well sit on my bike for a couple hours after you've buggered me, can I?" 

"You can't?" 

"Not with a cock as big as yours, no. Later." He leaned in, kissed Remus – tasting like a gin mill – and slid out of bed. "Now, rashers, eggs, and toast," Sirius said, pointing up with each item as he strutted bare-arsed from the room.

Remus hastened to follow. He didn't want to deal with a kitchen fire this morning.

As it transpired there was no actual reason for Remus to worry. Sirius, it appeared, had finally taken Remus's advice and not turned the cooker up all the way to cook bacon, or insist that six slices of bread could be toasted at one time. He seemed quite happy to stand there in his pants – a pair he had Summoned from the clean yet unfolded laundry – and allow breakfast...brunch...early lunch cook at a normal rate. 

He was even content to let Remus sit in silence and read the paper while he drank his coffee. Sirius normally liked to have Remus read the paper to him and interject snide comments, or the truth whenever he felt it was warranted, which was at least every other sentence. 

They ate leisurely, refilling their mugs several times and slowly spreading marmalade on each bite of toast. Remus had a million questions for Sirius, so much had not been finalized, but a quiet Sirius was a thinking Sirius and he didn't want to interrupt whatever thoughts were so important to him. 

When he was planning Sirius was almost in his own little world. It had always been this way. Impulsive and breakneck as Sirius could be, when there were tasks to be accomplished – becoming an animagus at sixteen years old for example – he could become quite withdrawn. 

Halfway through Remus's fourth piece of toast Sirius stood from the table, fresh cup of coffee in hand, and wandered off to the shower without a word. 

He even took his time in the shower. Remus had folded the laundry and was checking his trunk by time Sirius emerged from the bathroom, steam billowing out around him. He towelled off his hair as he went to grab his jeans from the floor. 

"You don't have another pair?" Remus asked dryly. 

"No." Sirius pulled on the jeans, shimmying slightly to pull them up over his thighs and arse. 

"You apparently don't have any pants either?" asked Remus, sitting on his heels and raising his brows. 

"Where am I supposed to fit pants in these?" Sirius said zipping up the fly and buttoning them. He held his hands out to show Remus they were quite snug, which Remus well knew. 

They were Sirius favourite article of clothing. They were distinct from any other jeans he had because of the worn left front pocket, the burned hole in the back right pocket, and the fraying cuffs. Privately Remus also thought Sirius's arse looked best in these jeans and that's likely why they were the ones he wore nine times out of ten. 

"Did you even pack another pair of trousers?" Remus asked. 

"Why would I? Brilliant part about being a wizard, I can clean these again and again until they fall apart then a simple Reparo and good as new." He turned and pulled a t-shirt from the wardrobe. Like the jeans, it was something he'd had for awhile. An old Muggle ringer t-shirt, the red fabric around his arms just tight enough, and the Muggle news print splashed across the chest was the perfect amount of chaos for Sirius. 

Remus smiled as he dove into the depths of his trunk. He had bought Sirius the t-shirt. He rummaged around under his balled up socks until he found the small box he was looking for. He swiftly put it behind his back, stood and moved to Sirius. 

"Hey," Remus said nudging him on the leg with his foot. Sirius turned from selecting which jumpers to pack brows lifted in question. "Trick-or-treat?" Remus said. 

"Pardon?" Sirius said, turning all the way around. 

"Halloween and all. Trick-or-treat?" 

"Can I pick trick and still get what's behind your back?" 

"Merlin," Remus sighed bringing the box from behind his back. Sirius took it with a smile and opened it. Sirius just stared at the present, making Remus feel suddenly tense and unsure. "I couldn't fit all your favourites into one box so it's only a bit of the sweets you like. There's some fudge there, and the chocolate with nuts you like, a couple sherbet balls, and..." 

"Why'd you get this?" Sirius said, his brow creasing. 

"I figured we'd be away for awhile. I was going to wait till we got there, which we haven't even decided where there is. Listen, I know you want to be able to walk down the street and I understand that, but we don't have to go to bloody Ireland to do that or France or wherever. If you're happier here in England we can figure it out. I wanted you to have something that made you happy and comfortable. I'm sorry. I don't even know why I'm bloody apologizing, it's a sodding present." Remus huffed and looked away. Embarrassed he had babbled on and angry at Sirius not tackling him onto the bed and thanking him profusely. 

"When did you go to Honeydukes?" Sirius asked. 

"The other day. Why does it even matter?" 

"Was it before or after they were raided by the Aurors?" 

Remus rolled his eyes expansively. "I don't remember. They're not Death Eaters." 

"Yeah, why do the dirty work when you can just give them gold?" 

"Jesus, Sirius. It's a bit of chocolate. Why do you –" Sirius was studying Remus narrowly, the expression in his eyes making Remus lose his train of thought. "What? We'll find ourselves rather lonely if we don't associate with anyone with even a minor air of suspicion about them." 

"You think so?" Sirius asked, arching one perfect velvety brow. Remus felt mocked by the gesture. 

"If you don't want it –" Remus moved to snatch the box from Sirius's hands. 

"No," Sirius said, pulling it away, and added stiffly, "Thank you. Moony. That was thoughtful." 

They stood for a moment then both turned and went back to their separate tasks. 

The day passed in silence, not a word spoken between them. Remus busied himself with unpacking and repacking. They were wizards, why would it take all bloody day to pack? Or even multiple days? But Sirius seemed to not be in a rush and Remus followed his lead. 

A little before dusk the weather began to clear up, making Remus feel lighter in spirit. It would be a lovely moonlit night. He could imagine flying across the ocean tucked up in the safe warmth of Sirius and his motorcycle. 

Sirius was only nervous about leaving. Nervous about Lily, James and Harry. Remus knew, he understood. He lived with the constant knot of tension within his belly as well. Words, phrases, looks and gestures were easily misunderstood when everyone was constantly on edge. And worse now, Sirius had the burden of secrecy upon him. He might as well have been draped in fairly lights and run up a flag poll. He was more a marked man now than he had ever been. If anyone could keep a secret in this situation though, it was Sirius. 

Remus felt suddenly guilty and ashamed. Sirius carried this burden alone and if he was going to be a prick for no reason he was allowed. 

"Padfoot, I –" Remus said, walking into the lounge to find Sirius asleep on the sofa. He was too tall to properly fit on it. He was scrunched in a very uncomfortable position but his face looked perfectly content. 

"What?" Sirius grunted, without opening his eyes. 

"It's only the photo on the desk. It's not there anymore and I wanted to make sure it wasn't left." 

Sirius opened his eyes and slowly sat up, scrubbing his face. "Which photo's that?" 

"The one at James's wedding. Peter is passed out on your shoulder, James is grinning like an idiot, and you look perfect like you do in every photo. That one." 

"Oh. I like that one." 

"I know. Did you take it?" 

"Yeah. It's probably in my jacket pocket. I was packing in a mad dash the other day. Grabbing stuff. You know." 

Remus nodded and turned towards where the jacket hung by the door; he saw Sirius stiffen out of the corner of his eyes and as he moved towards the jacket. Sirius stood from the couch. "I'll check," Sirius said, passing Remus. "You know how I am. Don't want to set off a bunch of dungbombs just by reaching in my pocket." 

Remus felt rooted to the spot. Something was happening that he didn't quite understand but it made him feel sick. He expected Sirius to Summon it from his pocket, but instead he plunged his hand into the inside pocket and pulled it out a second later with the picture in hand. "See? Here it is. And why don't I do this?" he said, waving the picture about and taking his wand from his back pocket. He touched the picture with the tip and another picture appeared right on top of it. "Here you are Moony, now we each have one," he said very airily as if it weren't complicated at all to duplicate a wizarding photograph with its movement and memory enchantments.

He handed the copy to Remus who looked at it numbly. The Remus in the picture waved sloppily at him with a bemused smile. He, of course, had been up all night snogging Sirius and had his fair share of the open bar. James adjusted his glasses and waved, while Peter, bless him, snored on. Sirius in the photo had one arm slung around photo Remus, squeezing his shoulder, he pushed his hair off his forehead, winked and raised his hand in greeting. 

"You need your own copy?" Remus said, looking at Sirius. 

"Sure, why not? Now you won't mind when I lose it. What time is it? We should get a move on, Moony." 

Sirius looked around the flat then walked to the kitchen with decision. 

"I wasn't thinking you were going to lose it," Remus said to the Sirius in the picture, who only winked at him again. 

Remus tucked the photo safely in his trunk, trying to tell himself everything was all right. They would get their stuff and go. Rattling around the flat all day had worn on Sirius, they needed to just go. 

"Sirius?" Remus called his name, coming out of the bedroom. "I think we should...where are you going?" 

Sirius turned from grabbing his jacket, looking over his shoulder at Remus. "I'm only ducking out for a minute."

"Where to?" Remus said calmly though he felt a lurch in his stomach. 

"I have a, you know, something, I needed to check on." 

Remus felt his face freeze and said with lips that didn't even feel like his own, "How about we go? Let's send our stuff and go. You can do your whatever on the way." 

Sirius rolled his lips and said, "I don't think that'll work, Moony." 

Remus nodded slowly, feeling Sirius had finally said something true. "You don't trust me." 

Sirius had the decency to look abashed at this statement but it was part of his act. "Don't be an idiot. Why would you say something like that?" 

"It's true. I know it is. You can't lie to me, Padfoot. We're old friends, aren't we?" Remus tried to smile at Sirius but it felt weird and unnatural. "I can't quite reckon when you stopped trusting me." 

Sirius growled in the back of his throat and said, "There's a bloody war going on. I don't trust anyone." 

"We share a bed, we share a life. You sleep next to me and you think...you think what?" Remus pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead trying to slow the thoughts, but it was impossible. "I can't even imagine what you're thinking." 

"Stop being so god damn stupid. It's not like that!" Sirius's voice was sharp, commanding, talking to Remus as if he were a house-elf. 

"What's it like then? Tell me!" 

"Jesus! Shut up, all right? You're making a big deal out of nothing. I have to go and double check something and then I'll be back and we'll go. Stop being a bloody big girl's blouse." 

It was typical of Sirius to let his anger control him while Remus remained calm. Sirius was angry, that was true, but now Remus was too, so angry in fact he felt glorious with pain and indignation. "Stop fucking talking to me this way! I have known you all these years! I have been by your side since we were eleven years old! I will not stand here and let you disregard me, to push me away! Again and again you do that! You pull me close with one hand and then...and then you shove me away with the other!" Remus's voice shook, his throat tight and dry.

Sirius's nostrils flared and he looked hard at Remus slowly stalking towards him. "Tell me no, Moony." 

"What?" Remus said, taking a step back. He was forcibly reminded of the big, hulking, monstrous beast Sirius could turn into. 

"Remus," Sirius said his voice dark and low. "Tell, me, no." 

Sirius confidently moved closer and closer. His eyes dark and his cheeks pink as if trying to control his anger was physically changing him. Remus turned, parrying Sirius's step. Remus walked slowly backwards. Sirius simply turned and followed. 

"It's always yes to everything. Tell me no. Tell me no this time." 

"This time?" Remus wondered if he could pull out his wand and control what happened next. If they would both live past this row. 

"Tell me no!" Sirius demanded and kicked a table out of the way that Remus had stepped around. It slid and toppled over, sending the empty teacup which sat upon it crashing to the floor. Remus was cornered, his back to the door, Sirius stopping feet away from him. "You never tell me no. You – can – never – do – that!" Sirius punctuated each word banging his fist on the wall next to him. It felt as if the entire flat shook around them. "You let me have you. You let me fuck after the full moon. You remember it. You were exhausted, as usual, but I know you haven't forgotten. You say we're old friends and you know me well? I know you well, too. And I know how you feel on those mornings and still you let me have. You let me in your bed. You let me fuck you. You could not tell me no." 

Remus's head was reeling. He hadn't expected the conversation to go this way. He hadn't expected Sirius would ever bring that up. "You mother fucker," Remus said. "You think that was my fault?" 

Sirius leaned in close, baring his teeth. "I think we both know what happened." 

"I wanted you," Remus said his voice shaking. "I have loved you and wanted you since we were fourteen years old. It has always, always been you. When you kissed me, do you remember that? In the dormitory? And then you pushed me away and I still wanted you. I would take you anyway you came to me. I have always loved you and I have always wanted to be yours. I want to live with you, love you and die with you. And I thought...I thought there was room for me. And there's not."

"You are not the only one who wants and loves and is confused by it. I took you the way you came to me because I wanted you to be mine, I wanted to love you as my own. Love and die, as you said. There is always room for you." 

"Then why are you leaving?" 

"I'm coming back!" 

"There's you and there's James, and those are the only things that there's room for in you." 

"You will not bring up James! This has nothing to do with him!" 

"This has everything to do with him! With us! You think you are the only one fighting, but I'm still fighting! I'm still here!" 

"How are you fighting? How do you fight? On your knees? Kissing a Death Eater's robes? Or is it someone better now?" 

"You cannot possibly..." Remus looked into Sirius's eyes, searching his face. Yes, he did believe. He still thought, after all this time, that Remus could play both sides. 

"I will never forget what I saw that night." Now, finally, Sirius's eyes filled with pain. Filled with the pain Remus's felt ripping at him. 

"Is that what you want?" Remus said desperately. "That what you need? Want me to offer again?" Remus dropped to his knees and grabbed Sirius's hand. "No, don't leave me. You hear me telling you no? You wanted to hear no. I'm on my knees for you. You cannot leave. You are mine and we will go together. We will keep fighting together." He pulled Sirius's hand, which was inert in his own, to his lips and kissed it. He buried his face in it, felt hot, unwilling, tears fall from his eyes on it. Sirius twitched it in a feeble attempt to pull away and Remus clung to it tighter. "Stay," he whispered. He dare not look up into Sirius's eyes; he was sure he would die if he did. 

"I have to go," Sirius said after several moments of quiet. "I'll come back." 

"No, you won't," Remus said, shaking his head. "If you leave, you won't come back." 

"I'm coming back," Sirius said and pulled his hand from Remus's grip. 

Remus didn't move, words were beyond him now but he would stay, blocking the door, even though Sirius didn't need that exit to leave. 

Remus kept his eyes closed tight. He couldn't bear to watch Sirius put on his jacket and walk out. Hearing it was hard enough. 

"Moony?" Sirius said from the doors to the patio – he would be taking his bike. 

Remus took several shaky breaths, summoning all his courage to open his eyes and look at Sirius. When he did, he stood silhouetted by the rising night. As dark, as brilliant, as perfect as ever. Remus hated himself for not hating Sirius. "I'm coming back. I'll be right home." He waited, standing in the door, looking at Remus. Clearly expecting Remus to say something, but words had failed Remus. Failure surrounded Remus. 

He closed his eyes and heard the door click shut and Sirius's motorcycle roar to life. 

Sirius wouldn't be back, he had left taking everything that mattered to him; holey jeans, his bike, and a photograph that wasn't even his to begin with. Remus knew Sirius well, knew when he was lying, didn't he? 

Remus rose slowly from the floor; it was time for him to leave, too.

.......

Remus took the stairs two at a time, his feet pounding with each step, his robes flying out behind him.

He thought it had been sometime since he had climbed these stairs, but they were as familiar under his feet as if he had just done so yesterday. He came to the landing and saw the door, their door. It was green as the pine trees in the Forbidden Forest, the old brass knocker shining brightly from the light pouring from the window at the end of the landing. 

Remus slowed his step, moving with perfect deliberation to the door handle. He wondered if he would remember how to get in. Were all the old wards and security charms up? Would it still recognize him as a resident of this place? 

He reached without hesitation, his fingertips brushing the round knob, then past his fingers till he held it solidly in his palm. It was warm to the touch, whether from the sun's light or an effect of the magic Remus didn't know, but the door did recognize him and it opened without even turning the handle. As if his thoughts controlled the tumblers of the lock.

The flat was completely unchanged, but the colours of it seemed more vibrant and stronger than Remus had remembered. Their brown sofa looked rich, deep and soft next to the red squashy armchair that had once occupied the Gryffindor Common Room. Someone had righted the table that Sirius had kicked over. Remus hadn't remembered doing that himself. Whoever it was had also cleaned up the smashed teacup. 

Remus stepped lightly inside, the door closing behind him. He almost felt like a ghost in the flat but he knew he belonged here. He moved quietly, looking around the room, feeling as if it had been a hundred years or maybe only a hundred seconds since he had last set foot inside it. He tilted his head to the side to look down the long corridor to their bedroom, wondering if the same person who had cleaned up the teacup perhaps had made the bed as well. 

He knew he was quite alone but he wasn't worried. They had agreed to meet here. Sirius wouldn't be long. 

He wanted to look at the rest of the place. He wanted the flood of memories that would surely wash over him if he looked around. He could do that later though. There was time to look back once they started to move forward. 

Remus turned and faced the door with expectation, Sirius would be here soon. His heart pounded in his chest with the thought. He could feel the blood of expectation and want rush in his body. He felt light headed and breathless. 

Then he heard a click and his head snapped to the left. Of course Sirius would choose to come in the door from the patio. 

Sirius saw him standing there and smiled. Remus returned the smile and they both nodded. They had agreed, after all, this is when and where they would meet. Remus couldn't remember exactly when they had made that agreement, or even made it out loud to each other. Words, life, everything had become so urgent and rushed, but clearly they were both of the same thought. 

Sirius pushed his hair back from his face. It was short again, as it had been in their youth. Maybe they were still young. It was very hard to tell. Some would say they were. Remus couldn't confirm anything for sure. Heartbreak, loss, war; it had a way of robbing you of the age you really were. 

And suddenly, as if by thought, Sirius was standing right before Remus. They still smiled at each other. Remus felt wild and foolish and positively wonderful. A thousand adventures, a thousand happy memories, a thousand years lived in the look Sirius was giving him. 

Remus reached forward, his hand steady and sure, and touched Sirius's face. The hair above his ear was silky on Remus's fingertips while his stubble rasped quietly to Remus's palm. They looked at each other silently for a very long time. Sirius's dove grey eyes never leaving his; experiencing, seeing, and understanding in each other everything that there was, everything that had always been. 

Sirius reached up and wrapped his hand around Remus's wrist. He could feel his pulse jump under Sirius's fingers. 

And suddenly, just when Remus thought they were going to kiss, Sirius fell to his knees before him. He held fast to Remus's wrist bringing his hand to his mouth. Sirius's brushed his lips to it and whispered against Remus's flesh, "I'm here."


End file.
